I get knocked down, but I get up again

I wanted to take a moment and do a blog about bullying and how to handle it.

I was bullied on and off from kindergarten up to 12th grade. It was by different people from different cliques, not one core group of people who hated me for no reason. Most of the time they made fun of my hair because it was long, puffy and frizzy. I got called a lot of names for that. They also mocked the clothes I wore, the way my teeth look, my acne and my appearance in general. I've been called ugly, fat, weird, ditzy, you name it.

I was so angry for a long time because of this. I often ate lunch alone because of it and the sad part was, most of the bullying came from my friends. It's a terrible feeling and you can't help but believe that the world is against you.

Things change eventually and after a while they just go away and you learn how to stop listening to them. Their comments don't define who you are. No one should be made fun of for the way they look or for anything. It's been two years since high school and I feel better about myself. All of those bad memories faded into the background and gave me room to make new and happier ones. 

Sometimes they still hurt when I think about them, but I remember that I'm a different person now. You can't let them break you, you have to use it as an opportunity to grow and become stronger. Start believing in yourself and hold your head up high. Some people are jerks and they'll try to hurt you and when that happens all you have to do is live your life. Go on and do great things and prove to them that you're above their ridiculous remarks.

Remember to be yourself and to be a good person. Not everyone will appreciate you for it, but that's okay. At the end of the day their opinions don't matter. The ones who truly care about you will and that's all that matters.

 "May my enemies live a long life to see my success."

Awkward

My whole life I've been very awkward. I'm that dorky girl who trips going up the stairs and on flat surfaces. I can't have a conversation without saying at least one incredibly stupid thing. I laugh too much when talking and I probably sound like an idiot. I get shy around new people and I have trouble starting a conversations and then holding it if the other person seems uninterested. I can get a little too excited about stupid things and I can't act "cool" to save my life. All in all, that's just who I am and I'm starting to be okay with that.

This post if for anyone else who feels awkward or feels like they don't fit in. It's okay. I used to hate myself for being such a dork. I wished that for one day I could not do something awkward or stupid, but that's not as easy as it sounds. I wanted to be one of the cool, popular girls who grabs every guy's attention. I wanted to be that girl that everyone loves and that others wanted to be like. At the end of the day, however, I'm just...me.

Sometimes I have trouble simply talking to people because I'm socially awkward. I usually say something stupid or I begin to worry that they'll think I'm weird, boring, dumb, etc. It's gotten to the point where I've been afraid of new people just because I don't know if we'll click or if they'll be nice. It's one of those things that interrupts your life.

I'm starting to just accept that I'm an awkward person. I mean, it's just another aspect of my personality so why not embrace it? I'm starting to be less hard on myself and accept that I am who I am and that's perfectly fine. I'm that awkward girly girl who loves superheroes and the United Kingdom. That's just me. I used to want to be less dorky because I assumed no guy in his right mind would want a girl like me. It's silly for anyone to think that they'll be unwanted. Even if love hasn't happened for you yet, it doesn't mean it never will.

Being awkward doesn't exclude you from anything. You need to always be honest with yourself and just be you no matter what. The world wasn't meant to be full of clones. Don't lose yourself to fit in with the crowd. Be you're awesome, awkward self and just laugh when you trip. You'll find people who love you just the way you are.

It doesn't matter if you're not that popular girl who's getting constant attention from men. I can guarantee you they're not after her for her personality and a guy like that isn't one worth having. You're beautiful in you own way and the people who recognize that are the people you want to surround yourself with. If you let your awkwardness control you like a curse then you'll miss out on so much. Some people are going to think your weird, but do their opinions really matter compared to the people you actually care about? Why try to impress people who don't appreciate you? It's silly.

Embrace the awkward, dorky side and just have fun with life. Be happy with who you are because you're an individual. Remember, awkward and proud.

What's wrong with just being you?

It's funny how much you change after high school, even if it doesn't seem obvious. In some ways I haven't changed at all, in others I've become unrecognizable to myself, but in a good way.

I've always been into things that are considered "geeky," or "nerdy." For example, superheros, video games, books, and anime. To me these things aren't weird, they're just things that are a part of a long list of stuff I love along with the United Kingdom, frappes, and music. They're simply my interests that make me part of who I am.

In high school I never acted like myself. I was always afraid to be myself because I didn't want people to think I was weird for the things that I liked. Looking back, I doubt many people would care that I love Batman and that most of my favorite movies are about superheroes. They would just shrug and say, "cool." When you're that age though, you assume everyone will judge you for anything. At least I did and that was incredibly stupid of me.

I think the biggest problem was the group of people I chose to hang out with. To my friends at that time if I started to go on about a superhero they'd just look at me weird or make fun of me. To them that was seen as lame and nerdy. To a lot of people it seems that way and because of that I wouldn't talk about the things that I loved. I would just talk more about clothes or music. Granted, I do love that stuff too but the thing was I wasn't letting out my whole personality. I kept quiet so my friends at the time wouldn't find more things to criticize me about. The sad thing was I couldn't even  talk about my music all the time because none of them liked it and thought I was weird for my music taste as well. That was because I don't like "popular" songs. I hate a lot of the songs you constantly hear on the radio. Give me some Good Charlotte or All Time Low and I'm happy.

Also, I didn't care if they liked a certain type of music or movie because that's what made them unique. In the end I tried to hide myself in order to hold on to people, who in the end, weren't worth holding onto and had no desire to hold onto me. Now that I have different friends and I'm out of high school I feel like I can finally just be me. Even if who I am is a geeky dork. It's okay, because once you stop pretending to fit in you find people who like the real you. That alone is one of the greatest things you can have.

Getting Over Someone

How do you know when you're over someone? I don't mean when you stop trying to win them over, when you just give up, or stop talking to them. I mean when your "moving on" is legit.

It's a weird concept. You can wake up one day feeling fine. The sun is out, it's warm, life is good, and you can stand up with a smile on your face ready for the day. Then, out of nowhere, you see them. Maybe it's not even that, you hear their name, their favorite song, or see a stupid Facebook status. Then all of a sudden they creep back into your mind like a ghost just haunting you. Then all those old feelings come back like unwanted friends and that feeling of being okay just disappears.

In a way it's almost funny, in a bittersweet way. Mainly because the person could be all wrong for you or the you could be all wrong for them, or maybe the circumstances could be terrible. Maybe they're in love with someone else that you know you could never compare to in their eyes...

Whatever the case, it's not easy getting over someone. People are fragile and hearts can easily be broken. The problem is you always fall for the one who doesn't share your feelings. They always see you as a friend and will never look at you twice even though you could be sitting at home crying over them.

I think you just have to remember that life goes on. It's not going to be perfect and you'll probably get your heart broken more than once, but life does go on. One day you'll either find someone who truly loves you or you'll find your own strength. You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you feel like you're worth something. You are your own person and you're in charge of your future. If you need to crank up the radio and sing to a heartbreaking song, go for it. Anything to let it out and once the tears have been dried, stand back up and do something that will make you happy. Follow your goals and dreams. If you don't have any, make some!

Basically, don't let that person control you. It's going to hurt and it may take time, but smile through the pain. You can make it through this. You're a strong, independent person with a bright future. Don't ever let that go to waste and don't let that person define you. You're beautiful. Don't forget that.

The Zombie Theory

Have you ever noticed that when you become depressed for a long amount of time your whole personality changes. I don't just mean the obvious you go from being happy to sad, I mean everything. The old you slowly disappears and what's left is this soulless corpse. You basically become a zombie.

You're not yourself anymore, you can't function properly, you go around trying to steel or destroy other people's hearts and brains because you can't find yours anymore. You're brain becomes so dysfunctional that you can't even form words anymore and all that comes out are meaningless moans. You stop enjoying the sunlight so you're skin becomes pale and and the stress you've given yourself draws premature wrinkles on your face. The lack of sleep gives you dark circles under your eyes as they stare off into space looking cold and dead.

Some people will try to save you, but you push them away. You'll spread your disease onto a few others who will also become zombies. A few will try to hurt you even more and some will succeed. Some lose all hope, saying there is no cure.

There's always a cure. It just takes time to work properly.

Don't become a zombie. It might feel easy to give in and become a walking corpse. Zombies have felt death. Something killed them, stole their hearts and brains, but they're still alive. They're moving and breathing, but they have no motivation or hope. Yet, they're alive. Just because something kills you on the inside doesn't mean you should walk around like you're dead. Life is still going on for you and you need to take advantage of that. Find a cure for you're sadness and become a human again.

Zombies look pretty cool in the movies, but being one just isn't worth it. Why do you think those people fight for their lives and try not the catch the disease?

Exactly.

I Guess this is Growing Up

You know how sometimes it feels like you're just waiting and waiting for something amazing? There could be  nothing wrong with your life, you just feel like it's become mundane and you're waiting for something or someone to come along to make it more exciting. 

I think that sometimes the waiting better prepares you for what's up ahead. It's like all of the events you've encountered were merely stepping stones to give you a hand along the way. They help you to figure out exactly who you are and what it is that you truly want. They help you fix flaws that you knew needed to be handled. They help you learn along the way and become wiser. 

For me, one of my biggest stepping stones is college. I was a terrible high school student. I didn't care about my grades or really anything. I just assumed I wasn't good enough for anything. It was extremely stupid of me. Then I found out I had to attend a community college for two years before I could transfer to a university because of the cost. I was so angry because it just made me look like I wasn't smart enough to attend a university straight away which caused me to care about school even less. I briefly thought about dropping out of college because I didn't think I could do it, not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my life. 

I'm not really sure what changed me. It seemed to happen over night. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted to stay in college. I wanted to earn a degree and I wanted to create a nice future for myself. That next semester I started applying myself. I stopped being lazy and realized that I was actually pretty smart. Now my grades are great, I'm doing really well for myself, and I'm enjoying it. Now I feel more prepared for a university. If I hadn't attended my community college I probably would have felt lost and I'm not sure if I would have applied myself. In a way, I think it saved my future. 

Another major thing I feel that I'm getting prepared for is, in the simplest way, love. I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out. First of all, I don't believe a person needs a significant other to make them happy. Society focuses entirely too much on the fact that everyone should be in a relationship which is wrong, but I think it'd be nice to have that type of connection with someone if they're right for you. 

I've  never had a boyfriend. I used to pity myself for it, but now I feel indifferent about it. I'm thankful for it, because after years of talking to guys and crushing, I feel like I'm starting to know exactly what I want in a guy. I also know more about who I am. I know not to change myself completely in order to fit what a cute guy describes as his "perfect" girl. I know what I find attractive and unattractive. I know the type of guy I want to spend time with. I feel like I'm more prepared and mature to handle a relationship even though in so me ways I still act like a stupid, young teenager, but I like that. You can't be serious all the time. I could explain my perfect guy in detail to the last dot, but honestly I just want a good guy who's adventurous, makes me laugh, and treats me well. I believe that every guy who's ever had some part in my life has prepared me for that moment when I meet the right guy and in a way I thank them. 

There's probably been more situations in life that have prepared me for certain moments and that will probably continue all throughout my life. I believe every single event is there for a reason, whether it's to teach you a lesson, help you out, make you more appreciative, or to simply make you smile. There's a reason for everything even if it doesn't seem so clear at the time. 

Better Days

I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been so sad lately. It’s because I’m simply not where I want to be right now. I’d much rather be living in a state where it’s warm all year round and you can drive down to the beach on the weekends. I want to live somewhere with palm trees and over all better scenery. I know I still have to wait a while before I can leave my hometown and I think the waiting is what’s making me so depressed. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I worry that I’ll miss my chance somehow, like something awful will happen before I can escape.
      This is an example of over thinking and being pessimistic. I believe in keeping a positive attitude because that makes life worth living which I strive to do. I know that I’ll be able to go soon it’s just the waiting. Then I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that maybe I’m meant to leave when the timing is just right. I also know that I’m actually working towards leaving so it’s not like I’m just wishing but never putting my words into action. I know I’ll be able to go in a few more years when it’s time for Grad school. I guess I just need to hold on a little longer and in the Fall I’ll be out of this town at least.
To anyone out there who feels like they’re in the same place, things are always looking up. Tomorrow is always a new day and as long as you try to achieve your goals you’re going to get somewhere. Sometimes it seems like it takes an eternity but it’ll get there! Besides, the journey is sometimes more important than the destination and once you reach that destination you create a whole new journey.
    This is a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear this. Never give up. :) Good things will happen, just stay strong, positive, and don’t quit when things feel out of reach. Better days are just around the corner, so go chase them and enjoy the ride along the way. :)