Here's to the Past

I've seen a lot of friends come and go for various reasons. I guess when most people look at the past they feel sad about the people they've lost. They see the past as this beautiful thing that can never be replayed. Those were the glory days and everything will be downhill from here on out. Nothing in the future will be as good as the past.

To that I say, you're an idiot.

I'm sorry but the past is not as perfect as you make it. Sure you'll always have good memories, that's fine to reminisce every now and then but don't make that who you are. Life doesn't stop and you have to keep moving with it. For me, I see old friends I never talk to anymore as a chapter of my life that's simply ended. Now it's time to make new chapters and you'll continue the cycle, but it's really not that bad. Personally I like to live in the present. I like to just enjoy the friends I have now and make new memories. I like to keep moving forward because there's always something better just around the corner. At least, it's been that way for me. When one thing ends a better thing usually comes along.

If you spend all your time thinking about memories, you'll miss what's in front of you now. Sure the past seems like a pretty, safe place but it's not all it's made up to be. It's over but the rest of your life isn't. So live in the now and look forward to the future. Life moves fast so keep up with it and enjoy it. It's what you make it.

Like I said, life doesn't stop and neither should you.

Music = Life

You know I've always wanted to be a singer. Ever since I was a little girl. I've always loved the stage. I'm at home up there, the longer I'm standing in front of the crowd the better. That's my moment to shine and I love it.

I've only acted in front of people, never sang. I know I'm not very gifted in that area so I've always shied away from it. I guess too if you're acting you're not yourself. You're someone else, you're hiding behind this mask so no one can really judge you. You're getting this chance to pretend you're someone else and sharing their story. It's fun. I love it.

With singing, there's no more mask. Instead of telling someone else's story, you're telling your own. You're standing up there exposing yourself and letting out every ounce of your emotions and heart to these people standing in the crowd. Music moves me. It's there for me when I have no one else. It's helped me tremendously. I swear, I don't know where I'd be without it. I used to be afraid to share my story in front of people. I didn't want them to know what my heart was singing, but now I'm not so afraid.

I want to share my story. I want people to hear my songs and be able to relate to them. I want my lyrics to reach someone and help them like so many bands have done for me. I can't live without music. It's my passion, it's the one thing I love more than anything. It's the one thing that's never let me down. It's never failed to bring me happiness. It's always let me shed my tears without judgement or comments. It's something I'll always love. I know God didn't gift me with a beautiful singing voice. I know I'm no good but sometimes I still want to live that dream. I want to be a singer. I want to share my music.

I know it sounds stupid. I don't care. I don't want to be famous. Just famous enough where I can have a comfortable living, people buying my songs, and being able to do concerts. I don't want the big mansion or anything in Beverly Hills. I just want to share my music for a living. I wish so badly I could sing. If I could have one wish, that'd be it.

The Chase

I haven't been thinking too much about love and relationships lately, but this has been on my mind on and off for the past week. The whole "chase" that happens when you get a crush on someone. I don't know everyone's situation so I'm going to open up slightly and talk from my own experience.

I know that whenever I'd get a crush on a boy I'd start to fall into this chase. The guy would do absolutely nothing but stand there looking cute and acting cool and I'd be here, this stupid teenage girl, trying so hard to get his attention and then try to win him over. In the end, it never worked because the guy never bothered to chase back. I might watch too much TV but I've noticed that the chasing that goes on there is always the guy doing sweet things to impress a girl and it always works. What bugs me is that they never show a chase from the girl's perspective because it can be just as time consuming for us too if the guy doesn't notice or care. The other day in my biology class we were talking about mating rituals between animals and my teacher was telling us about these birds where basically the males line up and the female simply chooses one of them. Of course, each male is like going crazy and doing a bunch of "look at me! look at me!" type of things. It just made me laugh that an animal's natural instinct is to chase and woo the one they like. What made me laugh even more was a guy's comment to this ritual. He first asked the teacher if these would end up being related to humans and she said "yes." Then he said, "so it's like real life where we guys have to wait and be chosen by all the girls." How terribly wrong he is, because girls have to chase as well and hope the guy we've fallen for will choose us.

Either way there always seems to be this one sided chase where the person who's fallen is trying to make the other fall as well but either their time and effort will be rewarded or they'll just end up getting their heart broken. So if chasing is almost like a natural instinct, then is it ever worth it? Should we just keep doing it because one day it'll pay off and we can be happy with that person or is it just a waste of time that should be avoided all together?

I actually like the idea of a chase. It gives the person a chance to show how much they care for the other person and to show how important they are to them. Although, I don't think it's worth it unless both sides are chasing after each other. If you're going after someone who just does not see you that way, then maybe you should rethink it. I think everyone deserves someone who's willing to go through a lot for them. If someone does not give you the time of day then find someone else because more than likely if you do win that person over eventually, it probably won't work out because their heart was never in it from the beginning and you probably just exhausted them to the point where they gave in. The same works for the other way around. If someone keeps chasing after you and you just can't return their feelings then don't date them just because you find it flattering. If you don't feel the same way then that means it's not meant to be and you shouldn't lead that person on.


I'm a terrible chaser, because I get so incredibly shy around guys I have feelings for and I don't want to embarrass myself. Although, when I say chase in this blog I don't mean just trying to get the person to notice you but rather trying to impress them. If you're impressing them, then I don't think the chase ever ends because if you really love that person then you'll always want to impress them even if you're old and married. It's not because you want to win their heart, it's because you want to show them you care. In that case I would keep chasing, and I'd hope they'd be chasing after me too even if they've already won my heart.

Why I Write

As some of you have noticed, I write a lot. It's mostly just a hobby, but it's also something I love. I'm more of a story writer to be honest. I love my blogs but my heart truly rests with characters and plots I've created with words. I remember when I first started to write stories purely for fun. I used to write short, poorly written, stories when I was a little kid. Usually those were about superheroes, princesses, and mermaids. Also there was a one about Digimon. When I was twelve/thirteen, I started getting more serious about it. While most kids were getting into sports or whatever drew their attention for recreation, I had a notebook open and was jotting down story ideas and character backgrounds. I wanted to write a novel and I started to write several but none of them got very far. I was never able to keep my attention on them long enough to finish. I had the ending in my head but I couldn't figure out how to get the character to that point without the entire story seeming entirely dull. I kept on writing, of course, in hopes that I would write a beautiful novel that would blow people away and make me famous.

When I got into high school, Twilight came out and I became engrossed in these books. I fell in love with the story, the characters, this different take on vampires, the love triangles, everything about was extremely entertaining to my sixteen year-old mind. As embarrassing as it sounds, since many people my age aren't fans of Twilight, that book is what inspired me to write again. I had quit for a short time simply because I didn't know what to write about. Every story I came up with had no direction, the characters annoyed me, the plot was dull, there was nothing to keep it going and I lost interest writing them. I had turned my attention to poetry which I used to be pretty great at, although now I'm a little rusty. After reading Twilight I started to get more ideas for my stories. I began thinking of characters that I actually found interesting and hopefully others would too. The only stories I write deal with vampires, werewolves, zombies, or something odd like that. They're the only plots I can keep up with because they keep my attention going and I'm able to interweave love, horror, and action into them. When I saw how Stephanie Meyer took vampires and turned them into her own creation I wanted to do just that. I wanted to take something everyone knew and put my own spin on it. Of course I try to keep to the old tales of such monsters. I like to make them a little more on the horror side but also give them a sense of humanity.

Writing is something that allows me to breathe. By that I mean, it helps me relax when I'm stressed, it helps me escape for a while when life is bitter, and above all else, it makes me happy. That's why I got into blogging. It's a way for me to give my thoughts as well as something I enjoy doing. When I write them I like to either throw around huge, beautiful words just to make the blog look fancy or I like to write as if I'm talking to one of my friends.

I have two forms of escape and bliss: music and writing. Music is a big part of my life but if I went into that now this blog would be much too long. Both of them can cheer me up on horrible days and sometimes I need that. On days when I just don't want people around and wish to be alone I run to these two amazing things that help me to breathe again. Even when I'm in a great mood and life seems like a gorgeous dream I still run to them. They help emphasize life.

I hope I never stop writing. Even if the world tells me I have no talent and no one cares about what I have to say or the stories I want to tell, I'll keep writing. Sometimes I write for other people. Usually those are what I like to call my "inspirational blogs." Other times I just write for myself. Even those inspirational blogs are for myself sometimes, just as a reminder to keep my head up. Over all I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write. I'm thankful to have it in my life. It's something that can always bring a smile to my face.

Be nice to the shy ones, we're people too

I'm not the most outgoing person in the world. In fact I'm really shy around people I don't know. It's not because I hate people. It's not because I have a deathly fear towards them and it's not because I'm stuck up. I'm simply not an outgoing person so I keep to myself. The problem is that if you're shy people start to assume things about you.

I've been told by people that they thought I was emo, goth, stuck up, and a druggie before they actually knew me all because I didn't talk... No I'm not emo. Yes I recently got side bangs that cover one of my eyes if I let them but that's not because I'm emo, I just like the style. Yes I wear black sometimes and will paint my nails black because they match everything but I'm not goth. I'm not stuck up and I've never done drugs. Anyone who's spent at least ten minutes talking to me will find all of this out pretty quickly because that's not me. At first I'd take offense to this but then I began to realize that if you don't talk then no one can really see who you really are. They have nothing to go by except for a few physical things. I know this because I've done the exact same thing but I'm pretty nice on judging shy people because I am one. I just wish people didn't assume the worst when it comes to people who don't talk much.

There really is no explanation to why I'm shy. I just am. I didn't have any traumatic events in my childhood or anything else that could create my shyness. It's just one of those traits I naturally have. I'm not someone who can walk up to random people in my class and start a conversation. If they speak to me then that's awesome and I'll gladly talk back but I'm not one to make the first move. It's a pain, I won't lie. I wish I could be more outgoing like a lot of the people I see at college and just out and about but I can't. I can be talkative and out going when I'm around my friends, that's no problem but when it comes to people I don't know I just keep to myself. I've also been told I look mean since I don't talk but I don't have anything against these people. I just don't have anything interesting to say. Also, I do get slightly nervous around unfamiliar faces just because I don't know who they are, if they're nice, if they're cool, or if I'll bug them or not. If I have to talk to people I don't know then I will, it's not like I'll die but if I don't have to then I won't.

I just wish people would give us shy ones a break. I would love to be outgoing, I really would, but it's not me. I've had people bluntly tell me, "don't be shy." Well, it's not that easy. Of course it could be worse but the shyness I have is interwoven into my personality so it's a part of who I am. It's just not all of me and when I do get to know someone, it's hard to keep my mouth shut on some occasions. To be honest, I don't have a problem being shy. It can be bothersome at times but as I said, it's just a part of me. I am getting better but I know I'll never be one of those extremely outgoing people which is completely fine with me because I like to stay a little more reserved.

My main problem is that being shy seems to allow people to make up whatever they want about you and sometimes their "made up" you isn't all that great. Shy people can be pretty cool, they're not all secret drug dealers. Really it all goes back to judging a book by it's cover. I try extremely hard not to do this but it's difficult. That could go into another conversation completely which I'll save for another blog.

As for shy people, we're just shy. We're not mean, emo, stuck-up drug dealers. We can be pretty cool, we're just quiet at first.

Love, Life, and Happiness

I've noticed lately that a lot of people my age are getting engaged, married, and getting into serious relationships. It also seems to me that in order to be "happy" we need to find our other half right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for romance. I think it's sweet that all these people are finding their better halves but I hate how it seems that if you haven't found someone yet then there's something wrong with you or your life must be horrible.

I don't have a boyfriend or anyone close to one right now but I don't have the feeling that I need one. Sure it would be nice to have one and as a hopeless romantic I hope to find my Prince Charming one day but I have a lot on my mind these days. Not to sound like a nerd, but I like to focus a lot on school. I'm not one who can easily get A's. I have to work extremely hard for my grades but the sense of accomplishment is an amazing feeling. As of now, school is my priority right now because I want my career more than anything.

Most people, however, can't understand that and I can't say I don't blame them. When you visit relatives what's the first thing they ask you? "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" It's never, "How is school?" "What are you studying?" They'll get to that later, but first they're dying to know if you're any closer to getting married. I'm  not saying that everyone is like this, keep in mind that this is simply an example. My point is that finding someone seems to be the biggest and most important thing you can do and I don't agree with that. Yes, it is a big deal. Everyone wants to find someone. As human beings we crave the attention and affection of someone else but it shouldn't be the only thing that can make you truly happy. I can think of a lot of things that make me happy: music, traveling, getting A's on papers I thought I failed, being with friends, watching Batman, clothes, dogs, British accents, the beach, pink, sunshine, and the list goes on and on. Most people let not finding you're other half bring you down but I don't think it should. You will find someone but in the meantime don't let it ruin your life. Find your other passions and forms of happiness and enjoy life until that special someone magically arrives.

I think people need to look at other things in life. Love takes a while for some people to find and if it's not going to come for years then there's no need in beating yourself up over it just because it hasn't happened for you yet. There's so much more in life to focus on and find happiness in. For me, I just want to survive college so I can teach. That's my goal right now and I plan on sticking to it because I know it'll make me happy in the end. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Don't base yours off what other people have. Make you're own happiness.

I'm still the same, not much has changed, I still know where I came from

Lately I've noticed my mind wandering back to the past. I get on Facebook and I see updates from old friends I don't even talk to anymore and I see how different they are. They aren't the same people I shared a class with or saw walking down the hallways. They've all grown up and are just becoming who they're supposed to be and doing what makes them happy and what's right for them. It makes me wonder if people think the same of me.

I know that I'm definitely not the same person I used to be. Sure, some things are the same. I'm still that goody little two-shoes who's shy, can be socially awkward, klutzy, and has her head in the clouds over half the time, but I feel that I've done my fair share of growing up. I've seen friends come and go, I've had my heart broken, I've had some amazing days where I didn't think life could get any better and I've had days where I thought the world would end.

I remember that if something bad happened I'd make myself sit there and be upset and angry until something really good happened that made up for it. Now I just keep moving along because I realized that all those minor problems in high school weren't even a big deal.

I also noticed myself changing. Not drastically but the kind of changing everyone goes through. Just the "becoming who you are" changing that I honestly don't think ever stops.I used to not like myself at all. I was constantly wishing I could be a different person but back then I was an immature, spoiled brat. I would also look at TV and the people around me and wish I looked like those movie stars and I'd beat myself up over it. These days I actually really like myself. Sure I have flaws but people are flawed. I also like the way I look. I mean I might not look like Megan Fox but I don't want to look like her. I'm happy with being just the way I am.

I guess everyone discovers that they're not so bad after all at some point. I just feel that some people take years to figure that out and I'm thankful I've reached that point already. As life goes on people around you change while you change and all you can do is always stay true to yourself. Become who you are and don't let people tell you how you should act or dress. As long as you like yourself and you're happy with your life everyone else can just deal with it. Besides your the one who has to live yourself until you die, not everyone else.

So enjoy life, be nice yourself, and as you change don't forget who you are and make sure it's always for the better.