Perfect

I usually have more guy friends than I do friends who are girls. Mostly because girls annoy me and I can relate better with guys because I like video games, anime, superheros, and all of that nerdy stuff they're into. When you have guy friends you actually learn a lot about boys. One thing in particular is that you learn about what their ideal girl is. I love hearing what people's ideal girlfriend/boyfriend is, but sometimes that comes with a price. When you hear a variety of guy's "perfect" girl and you never seem to fit that description, it can take it's toll. It messes you up. Even if you have no romantic feelings for the guy you just start to think, "if I don't fit any of these guy's description then will I ever fit a guy's description?"

At first you feel like apologizing for not fitting anyone's little picture of being perfect, but then you're realize how stupid that is. You shouldn't have to apologize because you don't like their kind of music, or dress the way they like, or look the way they want their girl to look. Why should you apologize because you're not a size 0 or because you don't have beautiful blue eyes?

It's just hard to do that sometimes because after years and years of never being "perfect" for someone you start to lose yourself. You start to label yourself as "not good enough" only because you were never the girl any of those guys wanted even if you didn't want the guy.

It hurts a lot, but I don't think you should let it control you. It's amazing how guys or girls can mess with you so badly. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but sometimes it feels like it makes you weaker. You get to a point where you don't even want to try anymore because you don't think your heart can take another beating and it's hard to even stand up anymore and keep walking. You become afraid and timid.

I think sometimes you need to sulk. To just let it out because it's better than hiding it and letting it gnaw at you. I believe that no matter how broken you feel, that one day you'll be okay again. It might take a few days, weeks or months. Even if it takes a year, I think one day you'll wake up and you'll be okay. And once that happens you'll be able to continue walking because feelings are temporary. Nothing is ever permanent.

I know I'm "always the friend, never the girlfriend." I know I don't fit anyone's description of the perfect girl yet and I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me. I just don't feel like apologizing for it anymore because the guys are never my ideal either. I just hope one day I'll meet a cute guy who likes girls that are a little dorky, watch anime, play video games, want to travel, like punk, alternative and screamo music, would watch the Dark Knight over the Notebook any day, love dogs, say really stupid things, are a little girly, love the beach, and actually care about their future and where they're going. One who will be there for him whenever he needs her, won't play games, and won't abuse the relationship. Maybe I'll find that guy, just maybe...

But to everyone out there who's been in the same boat, don't let it define you. Never feel that you're not good enough, because that's not true. Always be true to yourself and never settle for less than you deserve. Let yourself have a sulking period and then pick yourself back up. Stay positive and do what makes you happy and one day someone will come along who finds you absolutely amazing. :)