Throughout my 20 years of life, I’ve never quite fit in. I couldn’t
tell you what it was like to be popular, to have 50 friends or to have
guys chasing after you. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be good
at something or to feel like a winner. I couldn’t tell you any of that
because I’ve never experienced it.
I haven’t do a lot in my life. I mostly go to school and try my best.
I’ve never experimented with drugs or alcohol simply because they don’t
interest me. Even when I had the opportunity I still declined. Not
because I was trying to be a goody-two-shoes, but because it didn’t look
entertaining to me. It looked boring and idiotic to be honest.
I couldn’t tell you how to deal with a break up or what love feels
like. I thought I might have been in love with a guy once, but even now I
doubt my feelings. I’m not an emotional person and love seems too
cliche to me. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic, but now I
find myself full of doubt and disbelief. I like to tell my friends and
family that I’m a lone wolf. At first it was meant to be said as a joke,
but I’m beginning to believe it.
I like being alone. I love solitude. When I’m at school I love
spending hours in the quiet areas of the library and as much as I love
my roommate, I love when I have the room to myself and I can just relax
on my bed and either watch TV or write.
I wasn’t born with any talents or skills. If people ask me what I’m
good at, I come up blank. Yes, I have hobbies, but I even suck at those.
I love photography and art in general. I love making art, but my
creations are nothing to frame. Although, when I was ten my art teacher
did frame this drawing of a colorful forest I did. According to my
grandma it hung there years after I left. I have no idea if it’s still
there or not, ten years later. Still, that’s one of the few achievements
I’ve ever made.
I never fit in with the other kids at school. I wasn’t athletic,
musical, smart, fun, pretty, talented, likeable or anything. I liked,
and still do, think of myself as artistic, but I know there’s plenty of
people out there far more skilled than I am. I often wondered what type
of girl I was. Was I a tomboy for loving superhero movies and video
games? Was I girly for loving pink and buying new clothes? Was I emo for
loving Hot Topic? Who knows? I didn’t fit in which is why I never had a
lot of friends. During my senior year of high school I spent lunch in
the bathroom because there was no table for me.
Even now during my junior year of college, I still wonder where I
belong long. I still don’t know what type of girl I am, but I’m
beginning to realize that it’s okay. I’m me. I’m shy, awkward, a
dreamer, animal lover, video game player, movie fanatic, anime watching,
book nerd, study bug and I love every aspect of my personality. Am I
beautiful, talented and perfect? No, but I’m okay with that. I’m me no
matter what and I was made this way for a reason. I don’t know what that
reason is, but I’m still trying to find it. I’m sure my purpose will
become apparent soon enough, but I know God put me on this Earth for
something. I still have my days where I believe that I’m nothing more
than a mistake, but those days are becoming fewer and fewer. I’m just
going to continue being me and following my dreams no matter how scary
and stupid they may sound. It’s something I love and I will achieve it.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Goals and Late Night Ramblings
Recently I started my second semester here at Olivet. Despite only being back here for a week so far, it feels different. It could be that my schedule is different, I'm in a new room with a new roommate or that I changed my major back to English. Whatever the cause, I like the different vibe I'm getting here.
I feel set in my major for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel right studying psychology last semester. Sure, I love psychology. It's interesting and amazing how the mind works, but it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do with my life. I started to think of the job possibilities after college and nothing appealed to me. In the end, I'm thankful that I went back to my first love which is English. It makes me a little upset that I wasted a semester in the wrong area of study, but I like to think that nothing is every truly a waste. I still learned plenty and I was definitely challenged academically. All in all, those classes helped me to continue becoming a better student.
The thing about this semester is that I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the work that's been given to me just within the first few days. I know I can handle it and that everything will work out in the end, but it's still a little worrisome. Being in my third year of college, I've learned that giving into stress isn't the answer. You just have to keep faith in yourself and keep pushing through and remind yourself of why you're here and what you want to accomplish.
For me, I feel like I want to accomplish a lot in life. I want to travel, teach, be a freelance photographer, work at an animal shelter and hopefully become an author one day. Lately I find myself being more goal oriented. I want to be able to achieve my dreams even if they sound completely out there and silly. The past week I've felt a little stupid about them. I don't know why I feel passionate about travel, writing, photography and animals, but I do. Still just the thought of failing at all of those is a bit overwhelming. I worry that I won't do as well as I want too. I want to be a top student and achieve so much academically as well, but I can't shake that little, annoying feeling of doubt.
I guess you just have to keep trying. If you give up, you've already failed and that's no way to live. I might daydream too much, but I don't find anything wrong with dreaming big. I say find what makes you happy and just do what you want because you don't know how much longer you have in this place. That sounds a bit morbid, but it's true.
Despite the doubt and insecurity, I still have this gut feeling that I can do this. I have that little sliver of hope and it keeps me going. I don't know if I'll accomplish everything I want, but I truly hope so. The thing is that I do try to work for it. I don't believe that things automatically get handed to you. You have to want it enough to go after it which is what I'm trying to do. I'll admit, I'm a huge coward, but I'm starting to work on that. I'm tired of saying I want all of these things yet I do nothing but sit around and hope that they'll magically happen. I want to feel like I accomplished something and that I earned it.
In the meantime, I'll keep studying in school, enjoy the awesome friends I've made here and keep trusting in God. Who knows what could happen?
I feel set in my major for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel right studying psychology last semester. Sure, I love psychology. It's interesting and amazing how the mind works, but it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do with my life. I started to think of the job possibilities after college and nothing appealed to me. In the end, I'm thankful that I went back to my first love which is English. It makes me a little upset that I wasted a semester in the wrong area of study, but I like to think that nothing is every truly a waste. I still learned plenty and I was definitely challenged academically. All in all, those classes helped me to continue becoming a better student.
The thing about this semester is that I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the work that's been given to me just within the first few days. I know I can handle it and that everything will work out in the end, but it's still a little worrisome. Being in my third year of college, I've learned that giving into stress isn't the answer. You just have to keep faith in yourself and keep pushing through and remind yourself of why you're here and what you want to accomplish.
For me, I feel like I want to accomplish a lot in life. I want to travel, teach, be a freelance photographer, work at an animal shelter and hopefully become an author one day. Lately I find myself being more goal oriented. I want to be able to achieve my dreams even if they sound completely out there and silly. The past week I've felt a little stupid about them. I don't know why I feel passionate about travel, writing, photography and animals, but I do. Still just the thought of failing at all of those is a bit overwhelming. I worry that I won't do as well as I want too. I want to be a top student and achieve so much academically as well, but I can't shake that little, annoying feeling of doubt.
I guess you just have to keep trying. If you give up, you've already failed and that's no way to live. I might daydream too much, but I don't find anything wrong with dreaming big. I say find what makes you happy and just do what you want because you don't know how much longer you have in this place. That sounds a bit morbid, but it's true.
Despite the doubt and insecurity, I still have this gut feeling that I can do this. I have that little sliver of hope and it keeps me going. I don't know if I'll accomplish everything I want, but I truly hope so. The thing is that I do try to work for it. I don't believe that things automatically get handed to you. You have to want it enough to go after it which is what I'm trying to do. I'll admit, I'm a huge coward, but I'm starting to work on that. I'm tired of saying I want all of these things yet I do nothing but sit around and hope that they'll magically happen. I want to feel like I accomplished something and that I earned it.
In the meantime, I'll keep studying in school, enjoy the awesome friends I've made here and keep trusting in God. Who knows what could happen?
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