Belonging

Throughout my 20 years of life, I’ve never quite fit in. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be popular, to have 50 friends or to have guys chasing after you. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be good at something or to feel like a winner. I couldn’t tell you any of that because I’ve never experienced it.

I haven’t do a lot in my life. I mostly go to school and try my best. I’ve never experimented with drugs or alcohol simply because they don’t interest me. Even when I had the opportunity I still declined. Not because I was trying to be a goody-two-shoes, but because it didn’t look entertaining to me. It looked boring and idiotic to be honest.
I couldn’t tell you how to deal with a break up or what love feels like. I thought I might have been in love with a guy once, but even now I doubt my feelings. I’m not an emotional person and love seems too cliche to me. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic, but now I find myself full of doubt and disbelief. I like to tell my friends and family that I’m a lone wolf. At first it was meant to be said as a joke, but I’m beginning to believe it.

I like being alone. I love solitude. When I’m at school I love spending hours in the quiet areas of the library and as much as I love my roommate, I love when I have the room to myself and I can just relax on my bed and either watch TV or write.
I wasn’t born with any talents or skills. If people ask me what I’m good at, I come up blank. Yes, I have hobbies, but I even suck at those. I love photography and art in general. I love making art, but my creations are nothing to frame. Although, when I was ten my art teacher did frame this drawing of a colorful forest I did. According to my grandma it hung there years after I left. I have no idea if it’s still there or not, ten years later. Still, that’s one of the few achievements I’ve ever made.

I never fit in with the other kids at school. I wasn’t athletic, musical, smart, fun, pretty, talented, likeable or anything. I liked, and still do, think of myself as artistic, but I know there’s plenty of people out there far more skilled than I am. I often wondered what type of girl I was. Was I a tomboy for loving superhero movies and video games? Was I girly for loving pink and buying new clothes? Was I emo for loving Hot Topic? Who knows? I didn’t fit in which is why I never had a lot of friends. During my senior year of high school I spent lunch in the bathroom because there was no table for me.

Even now during my junior year of college, I still wonder where I belong long. I still don’t know what type of girl I am, but I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay. I’m me. I’m shy, awkward, a dreamer, animal lover, video game player, movie fanatic, anime watching, book nerd, study bug and I love every aspect of my personality. Am I beautiful, talented and perfect? No, but I’m okay with that. I’m me no matter what and I was made this way for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m still trying to find it. I’m sure my purpose will become apparent soon enough, but I know God put me on this Earth for something. I still have my days where I believe that I’m nothing more than a mistake, but those days are becoming fewer and fewer. I’m just going to continue being me and following my dreams no matter how scary and stupid they may sound. It’s something I love and I will achieve it.