Recently I started my second semester here at Olivet. Despite only being back here for a week so far, it feels different. It could be that my schedule is different, I'm in a new room with a new roommate or that I changed my major back to English. Whatever the cause, I like the different vibe I'm getting here.
I feel set in my major for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel right studying psychology last semester. Sure, I love psychology. It's interesting and amazing how the mind works, but it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do with my life. I started to think of the job possibilities after college and nothing appealed to me. In the end, I'm thankful that I went back to my first love which is English. It makes me a little upset that I wasted a semester in the wrong area of study, but I like to think that nothing is every truly a waste. I still learned plenty and I was definitely challenged academically. All in all, those classes helped me to continue becoming a better student.
The thing about this semester is that I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the work that's been given to me just within the first few days. I know I can handle it and that everything will work out in the end, but it's still a little worrisome. Being in my third year of college, I've learned that giving into stress isn't the answer. You just have to keep faith in yourself and keep pushing through and remind yourself of why you're here and what you want to accomplish.
For me, I feel like I want to accomplish a lot in life. I want to travel, teach, be a freelance photographer, work at an animal shelter and hopefully become an author one day. Lately I find myself being more goal oriented. I want to be able to achieve my dreams even if they sound completely out there and silly. The past week I've felt a little stupid about them. I don't know why I feel passionate about travel, writing, photography and animals, but I do. Still just the thought of failing at all of those is a bit overwhelming. I worry that I won't do as well as I want too. I want to be a top student and achieve so much academically as well, but I can't shake that little, annoying feeling of doubt.
I guess you just have to keep trying. If you give up, you've already failed and that's no way to live. I might daydream too much, but I don't find anything wrong with dreaming big. I say find what makes you happy and just do what you want because you don't know how much longer you have in this place. That sounds a bit morbid, but it's true.
Despite the doubt and insecurity, I still have this gut feeling that I can do this. I have that little sliver of hope and it keeps me going. I don't know if I'll accomplish everything I want, but I truly hope so. The thing is that I do try to work for it. I don't believe that things automatically get handed to you. You have to want it enough to go after it which is what I'm trying to do. I'll admit, I'm a huge coward, but I'm starting to work on that. I'm tired of saying I want all of these things yet I do nothing but sit around and hope that they'll magically happen. I want to feel like I accomplished something and that I earned it.
In the meantime, I'll keep studying in school, enjoy the awesome friends I've made here and keep trusting in God. Who knows what could happen?
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