Home for the Holidays

I've recently completed my fifth semester of college, only this one was different than my last four. I transferred and have been living in a dorm so coming "Coming Home for the Holidays" has never seemed so true.


The past three weeks have been non-stop with projects and exams to the point where it feels nice to breathe again. During that time you begin to wonder why you're there in the first place and what you expect to achieve the second you leave those halls. For me, I've always had the same dream, but I never bothered to act on it.

I knew that I wanted to travel the world, write, teach a little and do photography on the side. For some reason I've always been afraid to actually try for this dream. I continued picking majors and career options that felt like the easy thing to do. Ideas that wouldn't be too hard to achieve or would supply me with a large paycheck so I would look successful to everyone who thought I was never good enough. I was picking careers to impress people I didn't care about rather than picking one that would impress me.

I'm beginning to wonder what life would be if I did all of the things I said I wanted to do and would do. I've never wanted the whole "pick a good career and have a family" kind of life. I want an adventure.

Being at home has helped remind me of where I want to be. Being in my own room and writing brings back my memories of writing over the summer and past semesters about all of the places I wanted to go and all of the things I wanted to do. For once I feel like I'm in the right major, which is English. I want to get my masters so I can be a proffssor if I choose, but I'd also like to be a publisher or editor.

My dream, though, is to be a professional author. I want to travel with the job too and gain inspiration from different cities and countries. I also want to get back into my photography and get my own little business going with that. Nothing too fancy, but something fun and affordable.

To be honest, I haven't been in the best mood for the last month. I never could quite pinpoint the reason, but now that I've had time to clear my head I realize that it's because I'm still not where I want to be. I see all of these people following their dreams and leading exciting lives and I've done, well, nothing. 

Lately, I've felt scared of everything. I've had fears about my future in regards to my career, where I'll live, if I'll meet a guy, if I'll fail at my dreams or if I'll be happy. The truth is, you can't let that fear stop you from doing what you want to do. In the meantime I'll get my English degree, continue writing, doing photography, finding ways to start my traveling, achieving my goals and happiness and finding my place in this world.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.

The Zombie Theory

Have you ever noticed that when you become depressed for a long amount of time your whole personality changes. I don't just mean the obvious you go from being happy to sad, I mean everything. The old you slowly disappears and what's left is this soulless corpse. You basically become a zombie.

You're not yourself anymore, you can't function properly, you go around trying to steel or destroy other people's hearts and brains because you can't find yours anymore. You're brain becomes so dysfunctional that you can't even form words anymore and all that comes out are meaningless moans. You stop enjoying the sunlight so you're skin becomes pale and and the stress you've given yourself draws premature wrinkles on your face. The lack of sleep gives you dark circles under your eyes as they stare off into space looking cold and dead.

Some people will try to save you, but you push them away. You'll spread your disease onto a few others who will also become zombies. A few will try to hurt you even more and some will succeed. Some lose all hope, saying there is no cure.

There's always a cure. It just takes time to work properly.

Don't become a zombie. It might feel easy to give in and become a walking corpse. Zombies have felt death. Something killed them, stole their hearts and brains, but they're still alive. They're moving and breathing, but they have no motivation or hope. Yet, they're alive. Just because something kills you on the inside doesn't mean you should walk around like you're dead. Life is still going on for you and you need to take advantage of that. Find a cure for you're sadness and become a human again.

Zombies look pretty cool in the movies, but being one just isn't worth it. Why do you think those people fight for their lives and try not the catch the disease?

Exactly.

I Guess this is Growing Up

You know how sometimes it feels like you're just waiting and waiting for something amazing? There could be  nothing wrong with your life, you just feel like it's become mundane and you're waiting for something or someone to come along to make it more exciting. 

I think that sometimes the waiting better prepares you for what's up ahead. It's like all of the events you've encountered were merely stepping stones to give you a hand along the way. They help you to figure out exactly who you are and what it is that you truly want. They help you fix flaws that you knew needed to be handled. They help you learn along the way and become wiser. 

For me, one of my biggest stepping stones is college. I was a terrible high school student. I didn't care about my grades or really anything. I just assumed I wasn't good enough for anything. It was extremely stupid of me. Then I found out I had to attend a community college for two years before I could transfer to a university because of the cost. I was so angry because it just made me look like I wasn't smart enough to attend a university straight away which caused me to care about school even less. I briefly thought about dropping out of college because I didn't think I could do it, not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my life. 

I'm not really sure what changed me. It seemed to happen over night. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted to stay in college. I wanted to earn a degree and I wanted to create a nice future for myself. That next semester I started applying myself. I stopped being lazy and realized that I was actually pretty smart. Now my grades are great, I'm doing really well for myself, and I'm enjoying it. Now I feel more prepared for a university. If I hadn't attended my community college I probably would have felt lost and I'm not sure if I would have applied myself. In a way, I think it saved my future. 

Another major thing I feel that I'm getting prepared for is, in the simplest way, love. I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out. First of all, I don't believe a person needs a significant other to make them happy. Society focuses entirely too much on the fact that everyone should be in a relationship which is wrong, but I think it'd be nice to have that type of connection with someone if they're right for you. 

I've  never had a boyfriend. I used to pity myself for it, but now I feel indifferent about it. I'm thankful for it, because after years of talking to guys and crushing, I feel like I'm starting to know exactly what I want in a guy. I also know more about who I am. I know not to change myself completely in order to fit what a cute guy describes as his "perfect" girl. I know what I find attractive and unattractive. I know the type of guy I want to spend time with. I feel like I'm more prepared and mature to handle a relationship even though in so me ways I still act like a stupid, young teenager, but I like that. You can't be serious all the time. I could explain my perfect guy in detail to the last dot, but honestly I just want a good guy who's adventurous, makes me laugh, and treats me well. I believe that every guy who's ever had some part in my life has prepared me for that moment when I meet the right guy and in a way I thank them. 

There's probably been more situations in life that have prepared me for certain moments and that will probably continue all throughout my life. I believe every single event is there for a reason, whether it's to teach you a lesson, help you out, make you more appreciative, or to simply make you smile. There's a reason for everything even if it doesn't seem so clear at the time. 

Stop Abusing Relationships

This has been bugging me for a while now. I notice the people around me, mostly what I see on Facebook, and I notice that none of them can take a relationship seriously. They all whine saying how they hate being single and how they want someone, anyone. Well they manage to find people but then the "relationship" lasts about a week. Then a few days after that breakup they're back to looking for someone new.

I have a problem with this for many reasons. The list could literally go on for an eternity but I'll just name the major ones. One, if you move on from a person that quickly then you obviously never truly cared about them. You should be in a relationship because you have a legit liking for that person and want to be with them not because you're so insecure that you can't function properly by yourself. That's not right. By doing that you're just playing with that person's heart and in the end you won't only hurt them but yourself too. That's not healthy, it's like a form of self abuse.

Second, you won't attract anyone worth being with if you're constantly complaining about your relationship status. Yes, being single isn't the best in many people's minds. It can be lonely but you have to stop looking at it that way. Being single can be great if you stop focusing so much on finding someone. If you're that desperate you'll get desperate people. You'll take whoever will have you which will never end well. Healthy, good people don't like the desperate whiners. So enjoy life, be happy, be yourself, and then when someone comes along you'll be with them for the right reasons and they'll be a better match for you. If they don't come along, who cares? You're too busy enjoying life!

Third, people will change themselves in every way possible just to win someone over. I completely disagree with that. If you keep doing that then who are you? You shouldn't change who you are from person to person. You should just be you even if that means you're a nerd, goth, emo, jock or a mixture. Just be you and don't try to completely reinvent yourself just so one person will like you and date you. If you have to become someone you're  not just to be with them then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. You need someone who accepts you for who you are and vise versa. 

Last, don't settle. Just because you're having trouble finding someone who's compatible with you and shares your feelings doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. If you settle you'll be more unhappy than if you are alone forever. At least if you remain single you won't have someone toying with your heart and making you miserable. You're your own person and if you find someone who compliments you then that's amazing! If not, whatever. Shake it off, there's so much more to life. Find a hobby, try to pursue your goals. Life moves quickly, don't waste it looking for someone to make you feel less alone. If you do that you'll never be happy. So live life and find ways to make yourself happy. Don't be lying on you deathbed regretting that you never did any of the things you wanted to. So go travel, learn guitar, finish college, be you. Don't let someone else determine who you are because in the end you're stuck with yourself.

Don't abuse relationships because you're lonely. That's selfish and just plain stupid. Most people don't take relationships seriously anymore anyways so why waste your time with it? Live life, there's a beautiful world out there if you actually look.