Belonging

Throughout my 20 years of life, I’ve never quite fit in. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be popular, to have 50 friends or to have guys chasing after you. I couldn’t tell you what it was like to be good at something or to feel like a winner. I couldn’t tell you any of that because I’ve never experienced it.

I haven’t do a lot in my life. I mostly go to school and try my best. I’ve never experimented with drugs or alcohol simply because they don’t interest me. Even when I had the opportunity I still declined. Not because I was trying to be a goody-two-shoes, but because it didn’t look entertaining to me. It looked boring and idiotic to be honest.
I couldn’t tell you how to deal with a break up or what love feels like. I thought I might have been in love with a guy once, but even now I doubt my feelings. I’m not an emotional person and love seems too cliche to me. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic, but now I find myself full of doubt and disbelief. I like to tell my friends and family that I’m a lone wolf. At first it was meant to be said as a joke, but I’m beginning to believe it.

I like being alone. I love solitude. When I’m at school I love spending hours in the quiet areas of the library and as much as I love my roommate, I love when I have the room to myself and I can just relax on my bed and either watch TV or write.
I wasn’t born with any talents or skills. If people ask me what I’m good at, I come up blank. Yes, I have hobbies, but I even suck at those. I love photography and art in general. I love making art, but my creations are nothing to frame. Although, when I was ten my art teacher did frame this drawing of a colorful forest I did. According to my grandma it hung there years after I left. I have no idea if it’s still there or not, ten years later. Still, that’s one of the few achievements I’ve ever made.

I never fit in with the other kids at school. I wasn’t athletic, musical, smart, fun, pretty, talented, likeable or anything. I liked, and still do, think of myself as artistic, but I know there’s plenty of people out there far more skilled than I am. I often wondered what type of girl I was. Was I a tomboy for loving superhero movies and video games? Was I girly for loving pink and buying new clothes? Was I emo for loving Hot Topic? Who knows? I didn’t fit in which is why I never had a lot of friends. During my senior year of high school I spent lunch in the bathroom because there was no table for me.

Even now during my junior year of college, I still wonder where I belong long. I still don’t know what type of girl I am, but I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay. I’m me. I’m shy, awkward, a dreamer, animal lover, video game player, movie fanatic, anime watching, book nerd, study bug and I love every aspect of my personality. Am I beautiful, talented and perfect? No, but I’m okay with that. I’m me no matter what and I was made this way for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m still trying to find it. I’m sure my purpose will become apparent soon enough, but I know God put me on this Earth for something. I still have my days where I believe that I’m nothing more than a mistake, but those days are becoming fewer and fewer. I’m just going to continue being me and following my dreams no matter how scary and stupid they may sound. It’s something I love and I will achieve it.

Goals and Late Night Ramblings

Recently I started my second semester here at Olivet. Despite only being back here for a week so far, it feels different. It could be that my schedule is different, I'm in a new room with a new roommate or that I changed my major back to English. Whatever the cause, I like the different vibe I'm getting here.

I feel set in my major for the first time in a long time. I didn't feel right studying psychology last semester. Sure, I love psychology. It's interesting and amazing how the mind works, but it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like that was what I was supposed to do with my life. I started to think of the job possibilities after college and nothing appealed to me. In the end, I'm thankful that I went back to my first love which is English. It makes me a little upset that I wasted a semester in the wrong area of study, but I like to think that nothing is every truly a waste. I still learned plenty and I was definitely challenged academically. All in all, those classes helped me to continue becoming a better student.

The thing about this semester is that I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the work that's been given to me just within the first few days. I know I can handle it and that everything will work out in the end, but it's still a little worrisome. Being in my third year of college, I've learned that giving into stress isn't the answer. You just have to keep faith in yourself and keep pushing through and remind yourself of why you're here and what you want to accomplish.

For me, I feel like I want to accomplish a lot in life. I want to travel, teach, be a freelance photographer, work at an animal shelter and hopefully become an author one day. Lately I find myself being more goal oriented. I want to be able to achieve my dreams even if they sound completely out there and silly. The past week I've felt a little stupid about them. I don't know why I feel passionate about travel, writing, photography and animals, but I do. Still just the thought of failing at all of those is a bit overwhelming. I worry that I won't do as well as I want too. I want to be a top student and achieve so much academically as well, but I can't shake that little, annoying feeling of doubt.

I guess you just have to keep trying. If you give up, you've already failed and that's no way to live. I might daydream too much, but I don't find anything wrong with dreaming big. I say find what makes you happy and just do what you want because you don't know how much longer you have in this place. That sounds a bit morbid, but it's true.

Despite the doubt and insecurity, I still have this gut feeling that I can do this. I have that little sliver of hope and it keeps me going. I don't know if I'll accomplish everything I want, but I truly hope so. The thing is that I do try to work for it. I don't believe that things automatically get handed to you. You have to want it enough to go after it which is what I'm trying to do. I'll admit, I'm a huge coward, but I'm starting to work on that. I'm tired of saying I want all of these things yet I do nothing but sit around and hope that they'll magically happen. I want to feel like I accomplished something and that I earned it.

In the meantime, I'll keep studying in school, enjoy the awesome friends I've made here and keep trusting in God. Who knows what could happen?

Christmas Time

I love Christmas. I love the music, movies, decorating, wrapping gifts, and even the hectic shopping part of it. It finally snowed today and having that along with being surrounded by the tree and lights has brought up old Christmas memories for me.

I'll admit, Christmas was better when I was a kid. The past few years have been a little dull, but no matter what I still try to make the most of it. I remember one Christmas I went over to my grandparent's house when I was about 6 and my cousins who live 18 hours away came too. It was awesome because I never get to see them.

My grandparent's old house had this amazing finished basement that was huge. There was a little kitchenette, a pool table and a lot of space to run around. I remember spending hours down their with my brother and cousins just having fun and being a kid.

I still remember staying up late that night and hoping I would see Santa. It was actually kind of funny because my cousin wanted this Barbie doll and after she told me about it, I wanted one too, but I wanted mine in the pink outfit, naturally. A classic move by me. Anyways, this was on Christmas eve so my parents didn't know I wanted the doll until the afternoon before Christmas.

That morning we woke up early and my brother, cousins, and I rushed out into the living room to see what was under the tree. We looked in our socks, but we had to wait for our parents and grandparents to get up so we could take turns opening gifts. As you can imagine, that took a while. I can't remember what I got that year, but I do remember getting that Barbie doll in the pink outfit. The box even said it was from Santa and I used that as proof that he existed. Now, looking back, I'm sure my parents had already bought me one by chance before hand because they knew my cousin was getting one or they went to the store on Christmas eve, fought through the mass of last-minute shoppers and got me that doll.

 Still, it's memories like that, that make Christmas pretty fun. Even though I'm 20 now I still get excited on Christmas eve. Of course, on Christmas day I've become the one that everyone else has to wait for. Last year my parents were the first ones awake and had to wake me up. Afterwards I wouldn't even go in the living room until I got myself a cup of coffee, but can you blame me for not being a morning person?

I enjoy Christmas eve more than Christmas day just because there's something special about that night. It's like a Friday. You know the next day starts the weekend, but it's that excitement about tomorrow that makes Friday awesome. Besides, who doesn't love sitting my a beautiful lit-up Christmas tree in a cozy room, sipping a mocha and watching "A Christmas Story" on TV?

Christmas to me is a beautiful time of the year. Sure, not everything is always perfect, but when you look back on those memories you laugh at the Christmas disasters and cherish the good memories. Even when you have an ordinary, nothing too special Christmas, it still has it's special moments. It may be more exciting as a kid, but if I ever have my own, I'll probably be the one shaking them awake and have a blast sneaking presents from Santa under the tree like a Christmas ninja. I guess Christmas is something you never fully outgrow. It's so much more than gifts and decorations and I love it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Home for the Holidays

I've recently completed my fifth semester of college, only this one was different than my last four. I transferred and have been living in a dorm so coming "Coming Home for the Holidays" has never seemed so true.


The past three weeks have been non-stop with projects and exams to the point where it feels nice to breathe again. During that time you begin to wonder why you're there in the first place and what you expect to achieve the second you leave those halls. For me, I've always had the same dream, but I never bothered to act on it.

I knew that I wanted to travel the world, write, teach a little and do photography on the side. For some reason I've always been afraid to actually try for this dream. I continued picking majors and career options that felt like the easy thing to do. Ideas that wouldn't be too hard to achieve or would supply me with a large paycheck so I would look successful to everyone who thought I was never good enough. I was picking careers to impress people I didn't care about rather than picking one that would impress me.

I'm beginning to wonder what life would be if I did all of the things I said I wanted to do and would do. I've never wanted the whole "pick a good career and have a family" kind of life. I want an adventure.

Being at home has helped remind me of where I want to be. Being in my own room and writing brings back my memories of writing over the summer and past semesters about all of the places I wanted to go and all of the things I wanted to do. For once I feel like I'm in the right major, which is English. I want to get my masters so I can be a proffssor if I choose, but I'd also like to be a publisher or editor.

My dream, though, is to be a professional author. I want to travel with the job too and gain inspiration from different cities and countries. I also want to get back into my photography and get my own little business going with that. Nothing too fancy, but something fun and affordable.

To be honest, I haven't been in the best mood for the last month. I never could quite pinpoint the reason, but now that I've had time to clear my head I realize that it's because I'm still not where I want to be. I see all of these people following their dreams and leading exciting lives and I've done, well, nothing. 

Lately, I've felt scared of everything. I've had fears about my future in regards to my career, where I'll live, if I'll meet a guy, if I'll fail at my dreams or if I'll be happy. The truth is, you can't let that fear stop you from doing what you want to do. In the meantime I'll get my English degree, continue writing, doing photography, finding ways to start my traveling, achieving my goals and happiness and finding my place in this world.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.

Pursuit

I have written in a while so I guess I should give a quick update on my life. I have finally transferred out of my community college and am now living on campus at a University. While living in a dorm hall with nineteen other girls, you begin to hear a lot about boys. It's a topic that naturally comes up at least once a day. Also, here at my school there's a little motto called "Ring by Spring." Meaning that most the girls who come here plan to find their soul mate and get married by the spring semester.

Along with hearing about waiting for Prince Charming, you also hear dating horror stories, cheesy love stories, and crush of the week. Hearing all these stories has led me to a few different conclusions. 1.) I definitely don't want a ring by spring. 2) I definitely don't want to date just to date. 3.) I don't want to pursue a guy. 

Let me clear that up. No, I am not switching to girls. I mean that I'm done being the pursuer. In all the happily ever after stories I've heard, the girl never tried to pursue or push anything to happen. She didn't play hard to get either, she just didn't think much about it. That may sound like she's making the guy do all the work, but it's not exactly like that.

I noticed that guys like the chase. In fact, they love it. So why not let them chase for once? In the past I've always pursued in some way or another. This time I just want to stop. I want to try this new technique out. I feel that if a guy likes me enough to pursue me, then he's a keeper.

How will I go about this? By doing absolutely nothing. I don't feel that I need a boyfriend right now. Sure, having one would be awesome, but it's not a big deal. I'd rather focus on school and my friends and just enjoy life and let the rest of the pieces fall into place. As cheesy as it may sound I do believe that God has a guy picked out for me. I know some of  you might not believe in God and think that I'm crazy, naive and stupid, but I like to trust my gut feelings and my gut feeling is telling me this. I know that He has someone awesome planned out for me so why worry so much about it now? Why not enjoy my friends and try my best in school and not worry about boys? When I'm meant to meet my Prince Charming I will. No worries. I have trust.

I know that I may sound over optimistic, but I find that this is a way better way to live life. I've been pessimistic about guys ever since I was a freshman in high school so why not try something new? I can't explain the feeling that I have, but it's there. I just know that things will fall into place. I just need to be a little more patient and for the first time in my life I'm okay with that.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

I wanted to take a moment and do a blog about bullying and how to handle it.

I was bullied on and off from kindergarten up to 12th grade. It was by different people from different cliques, not one core group of people who hated me for no reason. Most of the time they made fun of my hair because it was long, puffy and frizzy. I got called a lot of names for that. They also mocked the clothes I wore, the way my teeth look, my acne and my appearance in general. I've been called ugly, fat, weird, ditzy, you name it.

I was so angry for a long time because of this. I often ate lunch alone because of it and the sad part was, most of the bullying came from my friends. It's a terrible feeling and you can't help but believe that the world is against you.

Things change eventually and after a while they just go away and you learn how to stop listening to them. Their comments don't define who you are. No one should be made fun of for the way they look or for anything. It's been two years since high school and I feel better about myself. All of those bad memories faded into the background and gave me room to make new and happier ones. 

Sometimes they still hurt when I think about them, but I remember that I'm a different person now. You can't let them break you, you have to use it as an opportunity to grow and become stronger. Start believing in yourself and hold your head up high. Some people are jerks and they'll try to hurt you and when that happens all you have to do is live your life. Go on and do great things and prove to them that you're above their ridiculous remarks.

Remember to be yourself and to be a good person. Not everyone will appreciate you for it, but that's okay. At the end of the day their opinions don't matter. The ones who truly care about you will and that's all that matters.

 "May my enemies live a long life to see my success."

Awkward

My whole life I've been very awkward. I'm that dorky girl who trips going up the stairs and on flat surfaces. I can't have a conversation without saying at least one incredibly stupid thing. I laugh too much when talking and I probably sound like an idiot. I get shy around new people and I have trouble starting a conversations and then holding it if the other person seems uninterested. I can get a little too excited about stupid things and I can't act "cool" to save my life. All in all, that's just who I am and I'm starting to be okay with that.

This post if for anyone else who feels awkward or feels like they don't fit in. It's okay. I used to hate myself for being such a dork. I wished that for one day I could not do something awkward or stupid, but that's not as easy as it sounds. I wanted to be one of the cool, popular girls who grabs every guy's attention. I wanted to be that girl that everyone loves and that others wanted to be like. At the end of the day, however, I'm just...me.

Sometimes I have trouble simply talking to people because I'm socially awkward. I usually say something stupid or I begin to worry that they'll think I'm weird, boring, dumb, etc. It's gotten to the point where I've been afraid of new people just because I don't know if we'll click or if they'll be nice. It's one of those things that interrupts your life.

I'm starting to just accept that I'm an awkward person. I mean, it's just another aspect of my personality so why not embrace it? I'm starting to be less hard on myself and accept that I am who I am and that's perfectly fine. I'm that awkward girly girl who loves superheroes and the United Kingdom. That's just me. I used to want to be less dorky because I assumed no guy in his right mind would want a girl like me. It's silly for anyone to think that they'll be unwanted. Even if love hasn't happened for you yet, it doesn't mean it never will.

Being awkward doesn't exclude you from anything. You need to always be honest with yourself and just be you no matter what. The world wasn't meant to be full of clones. Don't lose yourself to fit in with the crowd. Be you're awesome, awkward self and just laugh when you trip. You'll find people who love you just the way you are.

It doesn't matter if you're not that popular girl who's getting constant attention from men. I can guarantee you they're not after her for her personality and a guy like that isn't one worth having. You're beautiful in you own way and the people who recognize that are the people you want to surround yourself with. If you let your awkwardness control you like a curse then you'll miss out on so much. Some people are going to think your weird, but do their opinions really matter compared to the people you actually care about? Why try to impress people who don't appreciate you? It's silly.

Embrace the awkward, dorky side and just have fun with life. Be happy with who you are because you're an individual. Remember, awkward and proud.