Christmas Time

I love Christmas. I love the music, movies, decorating, wrapping gifts, and even the hectic shopping part of it. It finally snowed today and having that along with being surrounded by the tree and lights has brought up old Christmas memories for me.

I'll admit, Christmas was better when I was a kid. The past few years have been a little dull, but no matter what I still try to make the most of it. I remember one Christmas I went over to my grandparent's house when I was about 6 and my cousins who live 18 hours away came too. It was awesome because I never get to see them.

My grandparent's old house had this amazing finished basement that was huge. There was a little kitchenette, a pool table and a lot of space to run around. I remember spending hours down their with my brother and cousins just having fun and being a kid.

I still remember staying up late that night and hoping I would see Santa. It was actually kind of funny because my cousin wanted this Barbie doll and after she told me about it, I wanted one too, but I wanted mine in the pink outfit, naturally. A classic move by me. Anyways, this was on Christmas eve so my parents didn't know I wanted the doll until the afternoon before Christmas.

That morning we woke up early and my brother, cousins, and I rushed out into the living room to see what was under the tree. We looked in our socks, but we had to wait for our parents and grandparents to get up so we could take turns opening gifts. As you can imagine, that took a while. I can't remember what I got that year, but I do remember getting that Barbie doll in the pink outfit. The box even said it was from Santa and I used that as proof that he existed. Now, looking back, I'm sure my parents had already bought me one by chance before hand because they knew my cousin was getting one or they went to the store on Christmas eve, fought through the mass of last-minute shoppers and got me that doll.

 Still, it's memories like that, that make Christmas pretty fun. Even though I'm 20 now I still get excited on Christmas eve. Of course, on Christmas day I've become the one that everyone else has to wait for. Last year my parents were the first ones awake and had to wake me up. Afterwards I wouldn't even go in the living room until I got myself a cup of coffee, but can you blame me for not being a morning person?

I enjoy Christmas eve more than Christmas day just because there's something special about that night. It's like a Friday. You know the next day starts the weekend, but it's that excitement about tomorrow that makes Friday awesome. Besides, who doesn't love sitting my a beautiful lit-up Christmas tree in a cozy room, sipping a mocha and watching "A Christmas Story" on TV?

Christmas to me is a beautiful time of the year. Sure, not everything is always perfect, but when you look back on those memories you laugh at the Christmas disasters and cherish the good memories. Even when you have an ordinary, nothing too special Christmas, it still has it's special moments. It may be more exciting as a kid, but if I ever have my own, I'll probably be the one shaking them awake and have a blast sneaking presents from Santa under the tree like a Christmas ninja. I guess Christmas is something you never fully outgrow. It's so much more than gifts and decorations and I love it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Home for the Holidays

I've recently completed my fifth semester of college, only this one was different than my last four. I transferred and have been living in a dorm so coming "Coming Home for the Holidays" has never seemed so true.


The past three weeks have been non-stop with projects and exams to the point where it feels nice to breathe again. During that time you begin to wonder why you're there in the first place and what you expect to achieve the second you leave those halls. For me, I've always had the same dream, but I never bothered to act on it.

I knew that I wanted to travel the world, write, teach a little and do photography on the side. For some reason I've always been afraid to actually try for this dream. I continued picking majors and career options that felt like the easy thing to do. Ideas that wouldn't be too hard to achieve or would supply me with a large paycheck so I would look successful to everyone who thought I was never good enough. I was picking careers to impress people I didn't care about rather than picking one that would impress me.

I'm beginning to wonder what life would be if I did all of the things I said I wanted to do and would do. I've never wanted the whole "pick a good career and have a family" kind of life. I want an adventure.

Being at home has helped remind me of where I want to be. Being in my own room and writing brings back my memories of writing over the summer and past semesters about all of the places I wanted to go and all of the things I wanted to do. For once I feel like I'm in the right major, which is English. I want to get my masters so I can be a proffssor if I choose, but I'd also like to be a publisher or editor.

My dream, though, is to be a professional author. I want to travel with the job too and gain inspiration from different cities and countries. I also want to get back into my photography and get my own little business going with that. Nothing too fancy, but something fun and affordable.

To be honest, I haven't been in the best mood for the last month. I never could quite pinpoint the reason, but now that I've had time to clear my head I realize that it's because I'm still not where I want to be. I see all of these people following their dreams and leading exciting lives and I've done, well, nothing. 

Lately, I've felt scared of everything. I've had fears about my future in regards to my career, where I'll live, if I'll meet a guy, if I'll fail at my dreams or if I'll be happy. The truth is, you can't let that fear stop you from doing what you want to do. In the meantime I'll get my English degree, continue writing, doing photography, finding ways to start my traveling, achieving my goals and happiness and finding my place in this world.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.

Pursuit

I have written in a while so I guess I should give a quick update on my life. I have finally transferred out of my community college and am now living on campus at a University. While living in a dorm hall with nineteen other girls, you begin to hear a lot about boys. It's a topic that naturally comes up at least once a day. Also, here at my school there's a little motto called "Ring by Spring." Meaning that most the girls who come here plan to find their soul mate and get married by the spring semester.

Along with hearing about waiting for Prince Charming, you also hear dating horror stories, cheesy love stories, and crush of the week. Hearing all these stories has led me to a few different conclusions. 1.) I definitely don't want a ring by spring. 2) I definitely don't want to date just to date. 3.) I don't want to pursue a guy. 

Let me clear that up. No, I am not switching to girls. I mean that I'm done being the pursuer. In all the happily ever after stories I've heard, the girl never tried to pursue or push anything to happen. She didn't play hard to get either, she just didn't think much about it. That may sound like she's making the guy do all the work, but it's not exactly like that.

I noticed that guys like the chase. In fact, they love it. So why not let them chase for once? In the past I've always pursued in some way or another. This time I just want to stop. I want to try this new technique out. I feel that if a guy likes me enough to pursue me, then he's a keeper.

How will I go about this? By doing absolutely nothing. I don't feel that I need a boyfriend right now. Sure, having one would be awesome, but it's not a big deal. I'd rather focus on school and my friends and just enjoy life and let the rest of the pieces fall into place. As cheesy as it may sound I do believe that God has a guy picked out for me. I know some of  you might not believe in God and think that I'm crazy, naive and stupid, but I like to trust my gut feelings and my gut feeling is telling me this. I know that He has someone awesome planned out for me so why worry so much about it now? Why not enjoy my friends and try my best in school and not worry about boys? When I'm meant to meet my Prince Charming I will. No worries. I have trust.

I know that I may sound over optimistic, but I find that this is a way better way to live life. I've been pessimistic about guys ever since I was a freshman in high school so why not try something new? I can't explain the feeling that I have, but it's there. I just know that things will fall into place. I just need to be a little more patient and for the first time in my life I'm okay with that.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

I wanted to take a moment and do a blog about bullying and how to handle it.

I was bullied on and off from kindergarten up to 12th grade. It was by different people from different cliques, not one core group of people who hated me for no reason. Most of the time they made fun of my hair because it was long, puffy and frizzy. I got called a lot of names for that. They also mocked the clothes I wore, the way my teeth look, my acne and my appearance in general. I've been called ugly, fat, weird, ditzy, you name it.

I was so angry for a long time because of this. I often ate lunch alone because of it and the sad part was, most of the bullying came from my friends. It's a terrible feeling and you can't help but believe that the world is against you.

Things change eventually and after a while they just go away and you learn how to stop listening to them. Their comments don't define who you are. No one should be made fun of for the way they look or for anything. It's been two years since high school and I feel better about myself. All of those bad memories faded into the background and gave me room to make new and happier ones. 

Sometimes they still hurt when I think about them, but I remember that I'm a different person now. You can't let them break you, you have to use it as an opportunity to grow and become stronger. Start believing in yourself and hold your head up high. Some people are jerks and they'll try to hurt you and when that happens all you have to do is live your life. Go on and do great things and prove to them that you're above their ridiculous remarks.

Remember to be yourself and to be a good person. Not everyone will appreciate you for it, but that's okay. At the end of the day their opinions don't matter. The ones who truly care about you will and that's all that matters.

 "May my enemies live a long life to see my success."

Awkward

My whole life I've been very awkward. I'm that dorky girl who trips going up the stairs and on flat surfaces. I can't have a conversation without saying at least one incredibly stupid thing. I laugh too much when talking and I probably sound like an idiot. I get shy around new people and I have trouble starting a conversations and then holding it if the other person seems uninterested. I can get a little too excited about stupid things and I can't act "cool" to save my life. All in all, that's just who I am and I'm starting to be okay with that.

This post if for anyone else who feels awkward or feels like they don't fit in. It's okay. I used to hate myself for being such a dork. I wished that for one day I could not do something awkward or stupid, but that's not as easy as it sounds. I wanted to be one of the cool, popular girls who grabs every guy's attention. I wanted to be that girl that everyone loves and that others wanted to be like. At the end of the day, however, I'm just...me.

Sometimes I have trouble simply talking to people because I'm socially awkward. I usually say something stupid or I begin to worry that they'll think I'm weird, boring, dumb, etc. It's gotten to the point where I've been afraid of new people just because I don't know if we'll click or if they'll be nice. It's one of those things that interrupts your life.

I'm starting to just accept that I'm an awkward person. I mean, it's just another aspect of my personality so why not embrace it? I'm starting to be less hard on myself and accept that I am who I am and that's perfectly fine. I'm that awkward girly girl who loves superheroes and the United Kingdom. That's just me. I used to want to be less dorky because I assumed no guy in his right mind would want a girl like me. It's silly for anyone to think that they'll be unwanted. Even if love hasn't happened for you yet, it doesn't mean it never will.

Being awkward doesn't exclude you from anything. You need to always be honest with yourself and just be you no matter what. The world wasn't meant to be full of clones. Don't lose yourself to fit in with the crowd. Be you're awesome, awkward self and just laugh when you trip. You'll find people who love you just the way you are.

It doesn't matter if you're not that popular girl who's getting constant attention from men. I can guarantee you they're not after her for her personality and a guy like that isn't one worth having. You're beautiful in you own way and the people who recognize that are the people you want to surround yourself with. If you let your awkwardness control you like a curse then you'll miss out on so much. Some people are going to think your weird, but do their opinions really matter compared to the people you actually care about? Why try to impress people who don't appreciate you? It's silly.

Embrace the awkward, dorky side and just have fun with life. Be happy with who you are because you're an individual. Remember, awkward and proud.

What's wrong with just being you?

It's funny how much you change after high school, even if it doesn't seem obvious. In some ways I haven't changed at all, in others I've become unrecognizable to myself, but in a good way.

I've always been into things that are considered "geeky," or "nerdy." For example, superheros, video games, books, and anime. To me these things aren't weird, they're just things that are a part of a long list of stuff I love along with the United Kingdom, frappes, and music. They're simply my interests that make me part of who I am.

In high school I never acted like myself. I was always afraid to be myself because I didn't want people to think I was weird for the things that I liked. Looking back, I doubt many people would care that I love Batman and that most of my favorite movies are about superheroes. They would just shrug and say, "cool." When you're that age though, you assume everyone will judge you for anything. At least I did and that was incredibly stupid of me.

I think the biggest problem was the group of people I chose to hang out with. To my friends at that time if I started to go on about a superhero they'd just look at me weird or make fun of me. To them that was seen as lame and nerdy. To a lot of people it seems that way and because of that I wouldn't talk about the things that I loved. I would just talk more about clothes or music. Granted, I do love that stuff too but the thing was I wasn't letting out my whole personality. I kept quiet so my friends at the time wouldn't find more things to criticize me about. The sad thing was I couldn't even  talk about my music all the time because none of them liked it and thought I was weird for my music taste as well. That was because I don't like "popular" songs. I hate a lot of the songs you constantly hear on the radio. Give me some Good Charlotte or All Time Low and I'm happy.

Also, I didn't care if they liked a certain type of music or movie because that's what made them unique. In the end I tried to hide myself in order to hold on to people, who in the end, weren't worth holding onto and had no desire to hold onto me. Now that I have different friends and I'm out of high school I feel like I can finally just be me. Even if who I am is a geeky dork. It's okay, because once you stop pretending to fit in you find people who like the real you. That alone is one of the greatest things you can have.

Getting Over Someone

How do you know when you're over someone? I don't mean when you stop trying to win them over, when you just give up, or stop talking to them. I mean when your "moving on" is legit.

It's a weird concept. You can wake up one day feeling fine. The sun is out, it's warm, life is good, and you can stand up with a smile on your face ready for the day. Then, out of nowhere, you see them. Maybe it's not even that, you hear their name, their favorite song, or see a stupid Facebook status. Then all of a sudden they creep back into your mind like a ghost just haunting you. Then all those old feelings come back like unwanted friends and that feeling of being okay just disappears.

In a way it's almost funny, in a bittersweet way. Mainly because the person could be all wrong for you or the you could be all wrong for them, or maybe the circumstances could be terrible. Maybe they're in love with someone else that you know you could never compare to in their eyes...

Whatever the case, it's not easy getting over someone. People are fragile and hearts can easily be broken. The problem is you always fall for the one who doesn't share your feelings. They always see you as a friend and will never look at you twice even though you could be sitting at home crying over them.

I think you just have to remember that life goes on. It's not going to be perfect and you'll probably get your heart broken more than once, but life does go on. One day you'll either find someone who truly loves you or you'll find your own strength. You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you feel like you're worth something. You are your own person and you're in charge of your future. If you need to crank up the radio and sing to a heartbreaking song, go for it. Anything to let it out and once the tears have been dried, stand back up and do something that will make you happy. Follow your goals and dreams. If you don't have any, make some!

Basically, don't let that person control you. It's going to hurt and it may take time, but smile through the pain. You can make it through this. You're a strong, independent person with a bright future. Don't ever let that go to waste and don't let that person define you. You're beautiful. Don't forget that.

The Zombie Theory

Have you ever noticed that when you become depressed for a long amount of time your whole personality changes. I don't just mean the obvious you go from being happy to sad, I mean everything. The old you slowly disappears and what's left is this soulless corpse. You basically become a zombie.

You're not yourself anymore, you can't function properly, you go around trying to steel or destroy other people's hearts and brains because you can't find yours anymore. You're brain becomes so dysfunctional that you can't even form words anymore and all that comes out are meaningless moans. You stop enjoying the sunlight so you're skin becomes pale and and the stress you've given yourself draws premature wrinkles on your face. The lack of sleep gives you dark circles under your eyes as they stare off into space looking cold and dead.

Some people will try to save you, but you push them away. You'll spread your disease onto a few others who will also become zombies. A few will try to hurt you even more and some will succeed. Some lose all hope, saying there is no cure.

There's always a cure. It just takes time to work properly.

Don't become a zombie. It might feel easy to give in and become a walking corpse. Zombies have felt death. Something killed them, stole their hearts and brains, but they're still alive. They're moving and breathing, but they have no motivation or hope. Yet, they're alive. Just because something kills you on the inside doesn't mean you should walk around like you're dead. Life is still going on for you and you need to take advantage of that. Find a cure for you're sadness and become a human again.

Zombies look pretty cool in the movies, but being one just isn't worth it. Why do you think those people fight for their lives and try not the catch the disease?

Exactly.

I Guess this is Growing Up

You know how sometimes it feels like you're just waiting and waiting for something amazing? There could be  nothing wrong with your life, you just feel like it's become mundane and you're waiting for something or someone to come along to make it more exciting. 

I think that sometimes the waiting better prepares you for what's up ahead. It's like all of the events you've encountered were merely stepping stones to give you a hand along the way. They help you to figure out exactly who you are and what it is that you truly want. They help you fix flaws that you knew needed to be handled. They help you learn along the way and become wiser. 

For me, one of my biggest stepping stones is college. I was a terrible high school student. I didn't care about my grades or really anything. I just assumed I wasn't good enough for anything. It was extremely stupid of me. Then I found out I had to attend a community college for two years before I could transfer to a university because of the cost. I was so angry because it just made me look like I wasn't smart enough to attend a university straight away which caused me to care about school even less. I briefly thought about dropping out of college because I didn't think I could do it, not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my life. 

I'm not really sure what changed me. It seemed to happen over night. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted to stay in college. I wanted to earn a degree and I wanted to create a nice future for myself. That next semester I started applying myself. I stopped being lazy and realized that I was actually pretty smart. Now my grades are great, I'm doing really well for myself, and I'm enjoying it. Now I feel more prepared for a university. If I hadn't attended my community college I probably would have felt lost and I'm not sure if I would have applied myself. In a way, I think it saved my future. 

Another major thing I feel that I'm getting prepared for is, in the simplest way, love. I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out. First of all, I don't believe a person needs a significant other to make them happy. Society focuses entirely too much on the fact that everyone should be in a relationship which is wrong, but I think it'd be nice to have that type of connection with someone if they're right for you. 

I've  never had a boyfriend. I used to pity myself for it, but now I feel indifferent about it. I'm thankful for it, because after years of talking to guys and crushing, I feel like I'm starting to know exactly what I want in a guy. I also know more about who I am. I know not to change myself completely in order to fit what a cute guy describes as his "perfect" girl. I know what I find attractive and unattractive. I know the type of guy I want to spend time with. I feel like I'm more prepared and mature to handle a relationship even though in so me ways I still act like a stupid, young teenager, but I like that. You can't be serious all the time. I could explain my perfect guy in detail to the last dot, but honestly I just want a good guy who's adventurous, makes me laugh, and treats me well. I believe that every guy who's ever had some part in my life has prepared me for that moment when I meet the right guy and in a way I thank them. 

There's probably been more situations in life that have prepared me for certain moments and that will probably continue all throughout my life. I believe every single event is there for a reason, whether it's to teach you a lesson, help you out, make you more appreciative, or to simply make you smile. There's a reason for everything even if it doesn't seem so clear at the time. 

Better Days

I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been so sad lately. It’s because I’m simply not where I want to be right now. I’d much rather be living in a state where it’s warm all year round and you can drive down to the beach on the weekends. I want to live somewhere with palm trees and over all better scenery. I know I still have to wait a while before I can leave my hometown and I think the waiting is what’s making me so depressed. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I worry that I’ll miss my chance somehow, like something awful will happen before I can escape.
      This is an example of over thinking and being pessimistic. I believe in keeping a positive attitude because that makes life worth living which I strive to do. I know that I’ll be able to go soon it’s just the waiting. Then I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that maybe I’m meant to leave when the timing is just right. I also know that I’m actually working towards leaving so it’s not like I’m just wishing but never putting my words into action. I know I’ll be able to go in a few more years when it’s time for Grad school. I guess I just need to hold on a little longer and in the Fall I’ll be out of this town at least.
To anyone out there who feels like they’re in the same place, things are always looking up. Tomorrow is always a new day and as long as you try to achieve your goals you’re going to get somewhere. Sometimes it seems like it takes an eternity but it’ll get there! Besides, the journey is sometimes more important than the destination and once you reach that destination you create a whole new journey.
    This is a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear this. Never give up. :) Good things will happen, just stay strong, positive, and don’t quit when things feel out of reach. Better days are just around the corner, so go chase them and enjoy the ride along the way. :)

Don't Dream It, Be It

I find that every night I'll come up with great ideas. I always think "Oh I want to do this!" or "It'd be great if I could do this!" I do this while driving too, it seems that inspiration just randomly comes to me. Then the next day I still want to do whatever it is I wanted to but the motivation to do it is gone, I don't know how to get started, or I'm too coward to go through with it.

Then I noticed I'm not alone. Everyone does this, but then I also see people who actually go through with their ideas and they're living their lives and enjoying them too. I realized that's exactly what I want and I think everyone should do this.

With the first issue, I've realized that motivation doesn't just come to you, you have to create it yourself. It's a pain and it's not easy but it can be done. You need to motivate yourself whether that's just pushing yourself more or putting up a picture or note of what you want as a reminder.

The second issue is probably my biggest one. I never know how to actually get started. I think you need motivation for this step as well. Also Google can help. If you want to visit London then Google up ticket prices, travel fees, hotels, and locations. See what's available so you can begin planning.

The third issue is the one I really want to discuss. You can't let fear control your life but it does anyway. I know I'm not one to talk. I'm afraid of everything, but I'm starting to take chances and be brave one little step at a time. If you really want to go out there and do something then do it! Don't listen to what other people say because it's your life. Just do what makes you happy because who wants to have a long, sad life? Enjoy it, embrace it, follow through on your great ideas. Sometimes they might not be as great as you expected but they're still a story to tell. They're lessons, good memories, stories, things to pass time, or really anything. So why live in the land of "what if?" and start doing?

Remember to just be yourself and do what makes you happy. Go to the beach, take a road trip, talk to your crush, kiss in the rain, get a tattoo, take a fashion risk, try something new. Just live life and remember to laugh along the way. :)

Perfect

I usually have more guy friends than I do friends who are girls. Mostly because girls annoy me and I can relate better with guys because I like video games, anime, superheros, and all of that nerdy stuff they're into. When you have guy friends you actually learn a lot about boys. One thing in particular is that you learn about what their ideal girl is. I love hearing what people's ideal girlfriend/boyfriend is, but sometimes that comes with a price. When you hear a variety of guy's "perfect" girl and you never seem to fit that description, it can take it's toll. It messes you up. Even if you have no romantic feelings for the guy you just start to think, "if I don't fit any of these guy's description then will I ever fit a guy's description?"

At first you feel like apologizing for not fitting anyone's little picture of being perfect, but then you're realize how stupid that is. You shouldn't have to apologize because you don't like their kind of music, or dress the way they like, or look the way they want their girl to look. Why should you apologize because you're not a size 0 or because you don't have beautiful blue eyes?

It's just hard to do that sometimes because after years and years of never being "perfect" for someone you start to lose yourself. You start to label yourself as "not good enough" only because you were never the girl any of those guys wanted even if you didn't want the guy.

It hurts a lot, but I don't think you should let it control you. It's amazing how guys or girls can mess with you so badly. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but sometimes it feels like it makes you weaker. You get to a point where you don't even want to try anymore because you don't think your heart can take another beating and it's hard to even stand up anymore and keep walking. You become afraid and timid.

I think sometimes you need to sulk. To just let it out because it's better than hiding it and letting it gnaw at you. I believe that no matter how broken you feel, that one day you'll be okay again. It might take a few days, weeks or months. Even if it takes a year, I think one day you'll wake up and you'll be okay. And once that happens you'll be able to continue walking because feelings are temporary. Nothing is ever permanent.

I know I'm "always the friend, never the girlfriend." I know I don't fit anyone's description of the perfect girl yet and I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me. I just don't feel like apologizing for it anymore because the guys are never my ideal either. I just hope one day I'll meet a cute guy who likes girls that are a little dorky, watch anime, play video games, want to travel, like punk, alternative and screamo music, would watch the Dark Knight over the Notebook any day, love dogs, say really stupid things, are a little girly, love the beach, and actually care about their future and where they're going. One who will be there for him whenever he needs her, won't play games, and won't abuse the relationship. Maybe I'll find that guy, just maybe...

But to everyone out there who's been in the same boat, don't let it define you. Never feel that you're not good enough, because that's not true. Always be true to yourself and never settle for less than you deserve. Let yourself have a sulking period and then pick yourself back up. Stay positive and do what makes you happy and one day someone will come along who finds you absolutely amazing. :)

Sunny Days

Today it's still freezing outside. I can't wait for it to be Spring again so I can walk outside in a short sleeved shirt and not freeze where I stand. Despite the terrible weather that comes with my home state, it has been really sunny lately and it got me thinking.

I love the sun, everytime it's out I just want to run outside and lay in the grass listening to my iPod because to me that's peaceful. The only thing stopping me from doing that today is the fact that it's 30 degrees outside, but I know warmer weather is coming. Soon...I hope...

My best memories take place during beautiful, sunny days. I tend to get depressed when it's cold  or rainy. Even when I'm at school if the sun is out and I can see it through the windows I have a hard time concentrating because I want to be outside so badly and just walk around and enjoy it.

Right now it looks beautiful outside but it's torturing me because I know it's freezing, but it's almost March so I know it has to come soon right? Basically the whole point of this rambling blog is that I've been an emo kid lately and it's finally starting to annoy me more than it's probably annoying other people. I guess when I look outside and at the sun it reminds me that even though it's cold right now there's still something better to come and I just need to stop wasting my time being upset over things that aren't even a big deal. I guess I'm just impatient for the future because I'll be transferring in the Fall to a school I'm extremely excited to attend and I'll finally leave my old town behind and hopefully be closer to going where I want to go.

I can't promise myself that I'll be super happy tomorrow or next week, but I can at least stop being emo and start looking at the brighter side. I know life can suck sometimes and it's not perfect but I'd rather waste my time being somewhat happy than being sad and bitter then waking up one day realizing that my life passed me by and I did nothing to make it worth something. I'll agree that sometimes you can be let down when you remain optimistic but this isn't getting my hopes up for something amazing, it's just being content and trying to find new ways to enjoy life. Besides I'd rather take a risk at being happy then staying at home all day moping but never doing anything about it. Life moves fast, I'd rather not miss it because you only get one.

When Boredome Strikes...

So I was thinking about life, that's what happens when I finish all my homework and I literally have nothing better to do. Anyways not long ago I had someone ask me what my "perfect" guy was. Lately I stopped trying to think of the perfect guy because I don't think there's such a thing since we're all human. Besides he won't be getting a perfect girl with me. Still, it's kind of fun to think of your dream guy. It shows what your tastes are and helps you not to settle so much when it comes to dating.

For me, I guess my perfect guy would have brown skater boy hair, plays guitar, blue eyes, intelligent, sweet, loves dogs, can make me laugh, out going, fun to be around, optimistic, watches anime, likes Batman, wants to travel, cares about school, means what he says, keeps his promises, romantic, loves me for me, great taste in music (screamo, alternative, metal, rock), spontaneous, has good grammar, rides a motorcycle, wants to live near the ocean, rides ATV's, can sing, dresses kind of skaterboyish, smiles a lot, is serious when he needs to be, will watch dumb movies and act like a dork, tall, cute, smells good, nice arms, and someone who's easy to talk to.

I guess that looks like a lot but oh well. This is just for fun. :)

Stop Abusing Relationships

This has been bugging me for a while now. I notice the people around me, mostly what I see on Facebook, and I notice that none of them can take a relationship seriously. They all whine saying how they hate being single and how they want someone, anyone. Well they manage to find people but then the "relationship" lasts about a week. Then a few days after that breakup they're back to looking for someone new.

I have a problem with this for many reasons. The list could literally go on for an eternity but I'll just name the major ones. One, if you move on from a person that quickly then you obviously never truly cared about them. You should be in a relationship because you have a legit liking for that person and want to be with them not because you're so insecure that you can't function properly by yourself. That's not right. By doing that you're just playing with that person's heart and in the end you won't only hurt them but yourself too. That's not healthy, it's like a form of self abuse.

Second, you won't attract anyone worth being with if you're constantly complaining about your relationship status. Yes, being single isn't the best in many people's minds. It can be lonely but you have to stop looking at it that way. Being single can be great if you stop focusing so much on finding someone. If you're that desperate you'll get desperate people. You'll take whoever will have you which will never end well. Healthy, good people don't like the desperate whiners. So enjoy life, be happy, be yourself, and then when someone comes along you'll be with them for the right reasons and they'll be a better match for you. If they don't come along, who cares? You're too busy enjoying life!

Third, people will change themselves in every way possible just to win someone over. I completely disagree with that. If you keep doing that then who are you? You shouldn't change who you are from person to person. You should just be you even if that means you're a nerd, goth, emo, jock or a mixture. Just be you and don't try to completely reinvent yourself just so one person will like you and date you. If you have to become someone you're  not just to be with them then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. You need someone who accepts you for who you are and vise versa. 

Last, don't settle. Just because you're having trouble finding someone who's compatible with you and shares your feelings doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. If you settle you'll be more unhappy than if you are alone forever. At least if you remain single you won't have someone toying with your heart and making you miserable. You're your own person and if you find someone who compliments you then that's amazing! If not, whatever. Shake it off, there's so much more to life. Find a hobby, try to pursue your goals. Life moves quickly, don't waste it looking for someone to make you feel less alone. If you do that you'll never be happy. So live life and find ways to make yourself happy. Don't be lying on you deathbed regretting that you never did any of the things you wanted to. So go travel, learn guitar, finish college, be you. Don't let someone else determine who you are because in the end you're stuck with yourself.

Don't abuse relationships because you're lonely. That's selfish and just plain stupid. Most people don't take relationships seriously anymore anyways so why waste your time with it? Live life, there's a beautiful world out there if you actually look.

Soul Mates

I used to be a firm believer in soul mates. I believed that everyone had one and had a chance to meet that soul mate before they died. I just figured that maybe people got stupid or didn't treat each other right which resulted in them losing this soul mate and their one shot at true love. Now, I'm not so sure.

I do believe that people act like idiots sometimes when it comes to love. Some people don't treat each other right and play with their hearts or they just stop caring at some point. That's, sadly, a very normal thing. I don't understand why people do that. If you love that person then show them. Treat them right with kindness and respect. That's what I would do if I was in love and I'd hope he would do the same for me.

When it comes to soul mates though I still believe that everyone has one. I'm not saying that you'll end up with them or that you can't be happy with someone who isn't your soul mate. I just think that everyone has one person who is absolutely perfect for them in every way. I mean, think about it, there's billions of people out there so there has to be at least one person who is your perfect match. However, I think that not everyone has the chance to meet that person. You could live in America and your soul mate could be in England and you'll never have the chance of meeting each other.

I like to think that everyone has one shot at meeting this person. I also think that one and only shot could be easily missed and wasted. For example you could decide to go to the mall and when you arrive there your soul mate is walking out the back as your parking your car in the front, never to be seen by you again. If you arrived maybe five minutes earlier you could have had a shot, but it didn't work that way.

That's what I like to think anyway. I know that some people actually find, meet, and manage to win their soul mate. It's rare, like 1 in every 1,000,000,000 people. Still, at least it's nice to know some people are able to find it. Of course, I think you could still meet someone who is almost perfect for you. They may not be everything you wanted, wrong eye color, snores, doesn't like your favorite band, but they're still perfect for you when it comes to the things that count.

Still, finding the soul mate would be ideal.

Bucket List

I can't really sleep tonight, but I thought this would be a fun thing to do since it's a new year and everything. I made one a while ago but this one is more updated. So here goes! Hopefully I'll be able to check a lot of these off one day.

1.)Visit England
2.) Visit Australia
3.) Kiss in the rain
4.) Go to the Ocean
5.) Road trip
6.) Go to a midnight premiere of a movie I REALLY want to see
7.) Graduate college
8.) Have my own house
9.) Get out of my current town and state
10.) Meet Joel Madden
11.) Watch the sunset with a cute guy :)
12.) Slow dance outside to the car stereo (again with a cute guy)
13.) Publish a book
14.) Inspire someone
15.) Have flowers sent to me by a secret admirer (I know that one's lame, but it'd be cute)

That's all I can really think of for now. I guess most of the stuff is small, but I guess I just want to have a life filled with cute, sweet, little moments like that because those are always the memories that make me smile and that I remember. For some reason I love those little things more than the more impressive things. I guess they just make me happy and that's all I really want.

Picture Perfect

When I think about my "picture perfect" future I see myself with an incredibly cute husband, a beagle, and a cute house in a little beach town. I see myself being able to walk down the beach at sunset and look at the ocean thinking how lucky I am to be there. I see myself having a job that I enjoy, one that's helping and inspiring people in some way. I see me and my husband maybe not being rich but living comfortably. I picture a simple life, but a good one. One where I'm happy. Maybe taking a few vacations every now and then and traveling. I want to go to London and New Zealand. I want to learn to surf, kiss on the beach while listening to the waves crash around us, wake up every morning to palm trees outside my windows and my husband's face, sit on the beach and watch fireworks in the summer, feel at peace, get my husband to buy a motorcycle so we can ride around, feel lucky, no stress, no worries, no regrets.

That's what I want. I know life won't ever be perfect but I'd like to come close. I at least want to live in that cute beach town with a dog and an sweet, cute husband who will watch Batman and other stupid stuff that I love with me.

Maybe one day...