What's wrong with just being you?

It's funny how much you change after high school, even if it doesn't seem obvious. In some ways I haven't changed at all, in others I've become unrecognizable to myself, but in a good way.

I've always been into things that are considered "geeky," or "nerdy." For example, superheros, video games, books, and anime. To me these things aren't weird, they're just things that are a part of a long list of stuff I love along with the United Kingdom, frappes, and music. They're simply my interests that make me part of who I am.

In high school I never acted like myself. I was always afraid to be myself because I didn't want people to think I was weird for the things that I liked. Looking back, I doubt many people would care that I love Batman and that most of my favorite movies are about superheroes. They would just shrug and say, "cool." When you're that age though, you assume everyone will judge you for anything. At least I did and that was incredibly stupid of me.

I think the biggest problem was the group of people I chose to hang out with. To my friends at that time if I started to go on about a superhero they'd just look at me weird or make fun of me. To them that was seen as lame and nerdy. To a lot of people it seems that way and because of that I wouldn't talk about the things that I loved. I would just talk more about clothes or music. Granted, I do love that stuff too but the thing was I wasn't letting out my whole personality. I kept quiet so my friends at the time wouldn't find more things to criticize me about. The sad thing was I couldn't even  talk about my music all the time because none of them liked it and thought I was weird for my music taste as well. That was because I don't like "popular" songs. I hate a lot of the songs you constantly hear on the radio. Give me some Good Charlotte or All Time Low and I'm happy.

Also, I didn't care if they liked a certain type of music or movie because that's what made them unique. In the end I tried to hide myself in order to hold on to people, who in the end, weren't worth holding onto and had no desire to hold onto me. Now that I have different friends and I'm out of high school I feel like I can finally just be me. Even if who I am is a geeky dork. It's okay, because once you stop pretending to fit in you find people who like the real you. That alone is one of the greatest things you can have.

Getting Over Someone

How do you know when you're over someone? I don't mean when you stop trying to win them over, when you just give up, or stop talking to them. I mean when your "moving on" is legit.

It's a weird concept. You can wake up one day feeling fine. The sun is out, it's warm, life is good, and you can stand up with a smile on your face ready for the day. Then, out of nowhere, you see them. Maybe it's not even that, you hear their name, their favorite song, or see a stupid Facebook status. Then all of a sudden they creep back into your mind like a ghost just haunting you. Then all those old feelings come back like unwanted friends and that feeling of being okay just disappears.

In a way it's almost funny, in a bittersweet way. Mainly because the person could be all wrong for you or the you could be all wrong for them, or maybe the circumstances could be terrible. Maybe they're in love with someone else that you know you could never compare to in their eyes...

Whatever the case, it's not easy getting over someone. People are fragile and hearts can easily be broken. The problem is you always fall for the one who doesn't share your feelings. They always see you as a friend and will never look at you twice even though you could be sitting at home crying over them.

I think you just have to remember that life goes on. It's not going to be perfect and you'll probably get your heart broken more than once, but life does go on. One day you'll either find someone who truly loves you or you'll find your own strength. You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you feel like you're worth something. You are your own person and you're in charge of your future. If you need to crank up the radio and sing to a heartbreaking song, go for it. Anything to let it out and once the tears have been dried, stand back up and do something that will make you happy. Follow your goals and dreams. If you don't have any, make some!

Basically, don't let that person control you. It's going to hurt and it may take time, but smile through the pain. You can make it through this. You're a strong, independent person with a bright future. Don't ever let that go to waste and don't let that person define you. You're beautiful. Don't forget that.

The Zombie Theory

Have you ever noticed that when you become depressed for a long amount of time your whole personality changes. I don't just mean the obvious you go from being happy to sad, I mean everything. The old you slowly disappears and what's left is this soulless corpse. You basically become a zombie.

You're not yourself anymore, you can't function properly, you go around trying to steel or destroy other people's hearts and brains because you can't find yours anymore. You're brain becomes so dysfunctional that you can't even form words anymore and all that comes out are meaningless moans. You stop enjoying the sunlight so you're skin becomes pale and and the stress you've given yourself draws premature wrinkles on your face. The lack of sleep gives you dark circles under your eyes as they stare off into space looking cold and dead.

Some people will try to save you, but you push them away. You'll spread your disease onto a few others who will also become zombies. A few will try to hurt you even more and some will succeed. Some lose all hope, saying there is no cure.

There's always a cure. It just takes time to work properly.

Don't become a zombie. It might feel easy to give in and become a walking corpse. Zombies have felt death. Something killed them, stole their hearts and brains, but they're still alive. They're moving and breathing, but they have no motivation or hope. Yet, they're alive. Just because something kills you on the inside doesn't mean you should walk around like you're dead. Life is still going on for you and you need to take advantage of that. Find a cure for you're sadness and become a human again.

Zombies look pretty cool in the movies, but being one just isn't worth it. Why do you think those people fight for their lives and try not the catch the disease?

Exactly.

I Guess this is Growing Up

You know how sometimes it feels like you're just waiting and waiting for something amazing? There could be  nothing wrong with your life, you just feel like it's become mundane and you're waiting for something or someone to come along to make it more exciting. 

I think that sometimes the waiting better prepares you for what's up ahead. It's like all of the events you've encountered were merely stepping stones to give you a hand along the way. They help you to figure out exactly who you are and what it is that you truly want. They help you fix flaws that you knew needed to be handled. They help you learn along the way and become wiser. 

For me, one of my biggest stepping stones is college. I was a terrible high school student. I didn't care about my grades or really anything. I just assumed I wasn't good enough for anything. It was extremely stupid of me. Then I found out I had to attend a community college for two years before I could transfer to a university because of the cost. I was so angry because it just made me look like I wasn't smart enough to attend a university straight away which caused me to care about school even less. I briefly thought about dropping out of college because I didn't think I could do it, not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my life. 

I'm not really sure what changed me. It seemed to happen over night. I just woke up one day and realized that I wanted to stay in college. I wanted to earn a degree and I wanted to create a nice future for myself. That next semester I started applying myself. I stopped being lazy and realized that I was actually pretty smart. Now my grades are great, I'm doing really well for myself, and I'm enjoying it. Now I feel more prepared for a university. If I hadn't attended my community college I probably would have felt lost and I'm not sure if I would have applied myself. In a way, I think it saved my future. 

Another major thing I feel that I'm getting prepared for is, in the simplest way, love. I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out. First of all, I don't believe a person needs a significant other to make them happy. Society focuses entirely too much on the fact that everyone should be in a relationship which is wrong, but I think it'd be nice to have that type of connection with someone if they're right for you. 

I've  never had a boyfriend. I used to pity myself for it, but now I feel indifferent about it. I'm thankful for it, because after years of talking to guys and crushing, I feel like I'm starting to know exactly what I want in a guy. I also know more about who I am. I know not to change myself completely in order to fit what a cute guy describes as his "perfect" girl. I know what I find attractive and unattractive. I know the type of guy I want to spend time with. I feel like I'm more prepared and mature to handle a relationship even though in so me ways I still act like a stupid, young teenager, but I like that. You can't be serious all the time. I could explain my perfect guy in detail to the last dot, but honestly I just want a good guy who's adventurous, makes me laugh, and treats me well. I believe that every guy who's ever had some part in my life has prepared me for that moment when I meet the right guy and in a way I thank them. 

There's probably been more situations in life that have prepared me for certain moments and that will probably continue all throughout my life. I believe every single event is there for a reason, whether it's to teach you a lesson, help you out, make you more appreciative, or to simply make you smile. There's a reason for everything even if it doesn't seem so clear at the time. 

Better Days

I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been so sad lately. It’s because I’m simply not where I want to be right now. I’d much rather be living in a state where it’s warm all year round and you can drive down to the beach on the weekends. I want to live somewhere with palm trees and over all better scenery. I know I still have to wait a while before I can leave my hometown and I think the waiting is what’s making me so depressed. I just don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I worry that I’ll miss my chance somehow, like something awful will happen before I can escape.
      This is an example of over thinking and being pessimistic. I believe in keeping a positive attitude because that makes life worth living which I strive to do. I know that I’ll be able to go soon it’s just the waiting. Then I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and that maybe I’m meant to leave when the timing is just right. I also know that I’m actually working towards leaving so it’s not like I’m just wishing but never putting my words into action. I know I’ll be able to go in a few more years when it’s time for Grad school. I guess I just need to hold on a little longer and in the Fall I’ll be out of this town at least.
To anyone out there who feels like they’re in the same place, things are always looking up. Tomorrow is always a new day and as long as you try to achieve your goals you’re going to get somewhere. Sometimes it seems like it takes an eternity but it’ll get there! Besides, the journey is sometimes more important than the destination and once you reach that destination you create a whole new journey.
    This is a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear this. Never give up. :) Good things will happen, just stay strong, positive, and don’t quit when things feel out of reach. Better days are just around the corner, so go chase them and enjoy the ride along the way. :)

Don't Dream It, Be It

I find that every night I'll come up with great ideas. I always think "Oh I want to do this!" or "It'd be great if I could do this!" I do this while driving too, it seems that inspiration just randomly comes to me. Then the next day I still want to do whatever it is I wanted to but the motivation to do it is gone, I don't know how to get started, or I'm too coward to go through with it.

Then I noticed I'm not alone. Everyone does this, but then I also see people who actually go through with their ideas and they're living their lives and enjoying them too. I realized that's exactly what I want and I think everyone should do this.

With the first issue, I've realized that motivation doesn't just come to you, you have to create it yourself. It's a pain and it's not easy but it can be done. You need to motivate yourself whether that's just pushing yourself more or putting up a picture or note of what you want as a reminder.

The second issue is probably my biggest one. I never know how to actually get started. I think you need motivation for this step as well. Also Google can help. If you want to visit London then Google up ticket prices, travel fees, hotels, and locations. See what's available so you can begin planning.

The third issue is the one I really want to discuss. You can't let fear control your life but it does anyway. I know I'm not one to talk. I'm afraid of everything, but I'm starting to take chances and be brave one little step at a time. If you really want to go out there and do something then do it! Don't listen to what other people say because it's your life. Just do what makes you happy because who wants to have a long, sad life? Enjoy it, embrace it, follow through on your great ideas. Sometimes they might not be as great as you expected but they're still a story to tell. They're lessons, good memories, stories, things to pass time, or really anything. So why live in the land of "what if?" and start doing?

Remember to just be yourself and do what makes you happy. Go to the beach, take a road trip, talk to your crush, kiss in the rain, get a tattoo, take a fashion risk, try something new. Just live life and remember to laugh along the way. :)

Perfect

I usually have more guy friends than I do friends who are girls. Mostly because girls annoy me and I can relate better with guys because I like video games, anime, superheros, and all of that nerdy stuff they're into. When you have guy friends you actually learn a lot about boys. One thing in particular is that you learn about what their ideal girl is. I love hearing what people's ideal girlfriend/boyfriend is, but sometimes that comes with a price. When you hear a variety of guy's "perfect" girl and you never seem to fit that description, it can take it's toll. It messes you up. Even if you have no romantic feelings for the guy you just start to think, "if I don't fit any of these guy's description then will I ever fit a guy's description?"

At first you feel like apologizing for not fitting anyone's little picture of being perfect, but then you're realize how stupid that is. You shouldn't have to apologize because you don't like their kind of music, or dress the way they like, or look the way they want their girl to look. Why should you apologize because you're not a size 0 or because you don't have beautiful blue eyes?

It's just hard to do that sometimes because after years and years of never being "perfect" for someone you start to lose yourself. You start to label yourself as "not good enough" only because you were never the girl any of those guys wanted even if you didn't want the guy.

It hurts a lot, but I don't think you should let it control you. It's amazing how guys or girls can mess with you so badly. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but sometimes it feels like it makes you weaker. You get to a point where you don't even want to try anymore because you don't think your heart can take another beating and it's hard to even stand up anymore and keep walking. You become afraid and timid.

I think sometimes you need to sulk. To just let it out because it's better than hiding it and letting it gnaw at you. I believe that no matter how broken you feel, that one day you'll be okay again. It might take a few days, weeks or months. Even if it takes a year, I think one day you'll wake up and you'll be okay. And once that happens you'll be able to continue walking because feelings are temporary. Nothing is ever permanent.

I know I'm "always the friend, never the girlfriend." I know I don't fit anyone's description of the perfect girl yet and I'd be lying if I said that didn't bother me. I just don't feel like apologizing for it anymore because the guys are never my ideal either. I just hope one day I'll meet a cute guy who likes girls that are a little dorky, watch anime, play video games, want to travel, like punk, alternative and screamo music, would watch the Dark Knight over the Notebook any day, love dogs, say really stupid things, are a little girly, love the beach, and actually care about their future and where they're going. One who will be there for him whenever he needs her, won't play games, and won't abuse the relationship. Maybe I'll find that guy, just maybe...

But to everyone out there who's been in the same boat, don't let it define you. Never feel that you're not good enough, because that's not true. Always be true to yourself and never settle for less than you deserve. Let yourself have a sulking period and then pick yourself back up. Stay positive and do what makes you happy and one day someone will come along who finds you absolutely amazing. :)