Be nice to the shy ones, we're people too

I'm not the most outgoing person in the world. In fact I'm really shy around people I don't know. It's not because I hate people. It's not because I have a deathly fear towards them and it's not because I'm stuck up. I'm simply not an outgoing person so I keep to myself. The problem is that if you're shy people start to assume things about you.

I've been told by people that they thought I was emo, goth, stuck up, and a druggie before they actually knew me all because I didn't talk... No I'm not emo. Yes I recently got side bangs that cover one of my eyes if I let them but that's not because I'm emo, I just like the style. Yes I wear black sometimes and will paint my nails black because they match everything but I'm not goth. I'm not stuck up and I've never done drugs. Anyone who's spent at least ten minutes talking to me will find all of this out pretty quickly because that's not me. At first I'd take offense to this but then I began to realize that if you don't talk then no one can really see who you really are. They have nothing to go by except for a few physical things. I know this because I've done the exact same thing but I'm pretty nice on judging shy people because I am one. I just wish people didn't assume the worst when it comes to people who don't talk much.

There really is no explanation to why I'm shy. I just am. I didn't have any traumatic events in my childhood or anything else that could create my shyness. It's just one of those traits I naturally have. I'm not someone who can walk up to random people in my class and start a conversation. If they speak to me then that's awesome and I'll gladly talk back but I'm not one to make the first move. It's a pain, I won't lie. I wish I could be more outgoing like a lot of the people I see at college and just out and about but I can't. I can be talkative and out going when I'm around my friends, that's no problem but when it comes to people I don't know I just keep to myself. I've also been told I look mean since I don't talk but I don't have anything against these people. I just don't have anything interesting to say. Also, I do get slightly nervous around unfamiliar faces just because I don't know who they are, if they're nice, if they're cool, or if I'll bug them or not. If I have to talk to people I don't know then I will, it's not like I'll die but if I don't have to then I won't.

I just wish people would give us shy ones a break. I would love to be outgoing, I really would, but it's not me. I've had people bluntly tell me, "don't be shy." Well, it's not that easy. Of course it could be worse but the shyness I have is interwoven into my personality so it's a part of who I am. It's just not all of me and when I do get to know someone, it's hard to keep my mouth shut on some occasions. To be honest, I don't have a problem being shy. It can be bothersome at times but as I said, it's just a part of me. I am getting better but I know I'll never be one of those extremely outgoing people which is completely fine with me because I like to stay a little more reserved.

My main problem is that being shy seems to allow people to make up whatever they want about you and sometimes their "made up" you isn't all that great. Shy people can be pretty cool, they're not all secret drug dealers. Really it all goes back to judging a book by it's cover. I try extremely hard not to do this but it's difficult. That could go into another conversation completely which I'll save for another blog.

As for shy people, we're just shy. We're not mean, emo, stuck-up drug dealers. We can be pretty cool, we're just quiet at first.

Love, Life, and Happiness

I've noticed lately that a lot of people my age are getting engaged, married, and getting into serious relationships. It also seems to me that in order to be "happy" we need to find our other half right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for romance. I think it's sweet that all these people are finding their better halves but I hate how it seems that if you haven't found someone yet then there's something wrong with you or your life must be horrible.

I don't have a boyfriend or anyone close to one right now but I don't have the feeling that I need one. Sure it would be nice to have one and as a hopeless romantic I hope to find my Prince Charming one day but I have a lot on my mind these days. Not to sound like a nerd, but I like to focus a lot on school. I'm not one who can easily get A's. I have to work extremely hard for my grades but the sense of accomplishment is an amazing feeling. As of now, school is my priority right now because I want my career more than anything.

Most people, however, can't understand that and I can't say I don't blame them. When you visit relatives what's the first thing they ask you? "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" It's never, "How is school?" "What are you studying?" They'll get to that later, but first they're dying to know if you're any closer to getting married. I'm  not saying that everyone is like this, keep in mind that this is simply an example. My point is that finding someone seems to be the biggest and most important thing you can do and I don't agree with that. Yes, it is a big deal. Everyone wants to find someone. As human beings we crave the attention and affection of someone else but it shouldn't be the only thing that can make you truly happy. I can think of a lot of things that make me happy: music, traveling, getting A's on papers I thought I failed, being with friends, watching Batman, clothes, dogs, British accents, the beach, pink, sunshine, and the list goes on and on. Most people let not finding you're other half bring you down but I don't think it should. You will find someone but in the meantime don't let it ruin your life. Find your other passions and forms of happiness and enjoy life until that special someone magically arrives.

I think people need to look at other things in life. Love takes a while for some people to find and if it's not going to come for years then there's no need in beating yourself up over it just because it hasn't happened for you yet. There's so much more in life to focus on and find happiness in. For me, I just want to survive college so I can teach. That's my goal right now and I plan on sticking to it because I know it'll make me happy in the end. Happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. Don't base yours off what other people have. Make you're own happiness.

I'm still the same, not much has changed, I still know where I came from

Lately I've noticed my mind wandering back to the past. I get on Facebook and I see updates from old friends I don't even talk to anymore and I see how different they are. They aren't the same people I shared a class with or saw walking down the hallways. They've all grown up and are just becoming who they're supposed to be and doing what makes them happy and what's right for them. It makes me wonder if people think the same of me.

I know that I'm definitely not the same person I used to be. Sure, some things are the same. I'm still that goody little two-shoes who's shy, can be socially awkward, klutzy, and has her head in the clouds over half the time, but I feel that I've done my fair share of growing up. I've seen friends come and go, I've had my heart broken, I've had some amazing days where I didn't think life could get any better and I've had days where I thought the world would end.

I remember that if something bad happened I'd make myself sit there and be upset and angry until something really good happened that made up for it. Now I just keep moving along because I realized that all those minor problems in high school weren't even a big deal.

I also noticed myself changing. Not drastically but the kind of changing everyone goes through. Just the "becoming who you are" changing that I honestly don't think ever stops.I used to not like myself at all. I was constantly wishing I could be a different person but back then I was an immature, spoiled brat. I would also look at TV and the people around me and wish I looked like those movie stars and I'd beat myself up over it. These days I actually really like myself. Sure I have flaws but people are flawed. I also like the way I look. I mean I might not look like Megan Fox but I don't want to look like her. I'm happy with being just the way I am.

I guess everyone discovers that they're not so bad after all at some point. I just feel that some people take years to figure that out and I'm thankful I've reached that point already. As life goes on people around you change while you change and all you can do is always stay true to yourself. Become who you are and don't let people tell you how you should act or dress. As long as you like yourself and you're happy with your life everyone else can just deal with it. Besides your the one who has to live yourself until you die, not everyone else.

So enjoy life, be nice yourself, and as you change don't forget who you are and make sure it's always for the better.

When I grow up...

Being in my second year of college I always thought I'd have life figured out by this point. I pictured knowing exactly what I wanted to do, know where I was going to live, and how I was going to spend the rest of my life. I always thought that once high school was over you just jumped into the real world, your real life, and there would be nothing left to figure out.

Now I know I was wrong. I was talking about this with one of my friends today. We were saying how when you're a kid you think you have your entire life planned out. You see a ten year-old and ask what they want to be when they grow up and they know exactly what they want to be with no doubt in their mind. They'll say, "I'm going to college and become a doctor!" or "I'll be a rock star!" or "I'm gonna be Batman!" Of course you know that they'll change their minds a million times before they even reach college and that a few of those careers won't happen but to them that's what they see themselves doing in 20 years. I told my friend that I used to think every question to life would be answered after I got out of high school but it seems like more questions keep coming.

Right now I know what I'd like to do, where I'd like to transfer, and that I want to succeed and make the most of life but I also know that any of that could change. In fact right now I'm considering changing my major yet again. I know I want to do teaching and I'm currently an English major but I've also discovered a new love: history. I'm starting to see myself teaching about the making of our country, the events of past decades, and telling them these amazing and true stories. Then again I can also see myself teaching English and sharing these amazing stories written by amazing and talented people. It's hard to choose. Even when I was graduating high school everyone asked me, "what are you going to do now?" I'd give them the usual answer. The whole, "I'm going here but I plan on transferring after two years to here, blah blah blah." Inside I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had ideas but none that I could stick with. People would tell me to do what I was good at but honestly I couldn't think of anything I was good at. I didn't have any talents and there were so many jobs that had no appeal to me. Again the only thing I could think of was teaching, that I was good at English, and that I loved writing.

Right now I'm still young. I realize that I don't need to know every little answer, but I feel that I should have a sense of direction. Actually right now I feel that I'm doing good. I know that I want to finish college, be able to study abroad once I transfer, keep writing, teach, and I know that I'm willing to work hard for all of this. Honestly right now, I think that's good enough. Answers don't come easy and the questions will never end but life would be pretty boring if you had it all figured out.

I Don't Wanna to be You

Ok, so we all know how people get when they like someone. They start changing these little things about them to fit that person's image of the "ideal" girlfriend or boyfriend which is incredibly stupid.

Of course, I can't say I haven't done this. In fact I've done this a lot but I never catch myself doing it until it's all said and done and I've seen friends and other people do it too. You obviously want the person to like you so you start pretending that you like certain movies. You lie and say you love his favorite band too even though you really hate it and you won't be caught dead with them on your iPod. You say you love football and sit down to watch the game even though you're going crazy inside because you'd rather be home watching the Office.

This is why I don't think you should jump into a relationship with someone you've just met. At least take the time to live in the friend zone, I mean I know that's the last place you want to be but it can help. If you're just friends then you don't care as much if he knows you watch Glee and that you hate his favorite sports team because it doesn't matter. That way when and if you do date each other he'll already know that and it'll prove that he likes you just the way you are and not the "fake" you that you've created in order to gain his attention. When people first meet and instantly want to date then they're scared because you don't know if they'll change their mind about you. You just know that you don't want that to happen and the only way to ensure that is to make sure you agree on everything and have the exact same interests which is stupid. First of all, it doesn't matter if you don't agree on everything. Everyone is different so you're going to disagree on a few things, that's normal. It'd be boring if you were dating a clone of yourself. I mean obviously you need some things in common but if you disagree on a movie it's not a big deal.

Second of all, the real you will come out eventually. You can't hide your personality because that's who you are. I mean sure you can hide it for a little bit but it will come out eventually. Finally, you need someone who likes you exactly the way you are, flaws and all. Besides when you just keep true to yourself you'll attract the person that's right for you. If they don't like you because of separate interests then don't get upset because they obviously weren't meant for you. When someone knows all of the weird things you like, your flaws, and appreciates all of your good qualities and still likes you, then you'll know it's good and you won't have to pretend you're someone else.

Running in Front of a Moving Car

Do you ever have that moment where you realize you're doing something incredibly stupid yet you can't stop yourself? You're standing in the road, a car is coming at you and yet you don't move and just let it hit you. Sometimes you jump away last minute only wearing a few scars, sometimes you get a broken leg and other times you get completely shattered.

Usually there are signs that tell you the car is coming. Perhaps someone is yelling at you from across the street, maybe you heard it coming, maybe there was a flashing sign that said "CAR COMING RUN." When this happens most people do one of three things. They 1.) ignore the signs and let themselves get hit. 2.) decided to move or 3.) ignore and then move but by that point damage has been done. Usually the people who ignore it are either doing it because they refuse to see the red flags or they're just being an idiot. Either way I think sometimes it's good to jump in front of that moving car.

Why? Well think about it. If you live your whole life playing safe without taking any risks are you really living life? Are you learning anything? No, you're not. Of course it'd be nice to live life without making a single mistake but let's face it, that's not going to happen so you might as well let a car hit you every now and then to move you along. Yes, it's not fun and it hurts and can leave permanent damage but sometimes you need to be hit. If someone is living a terrible life and they're constantly running into the street but barely dodging cars then maybe they need to be hit by one to knock some sense into them. Maybe someone is afraid to cross the street. Maybe they need to come close to a car hitting them just so they realize it's okay to take some risks in life just be careful about it.

Of course in that moment when you see the car moving in your direction and your feet are frozen to the concrete your first thought is, "how did I end up here?" Maybe you'll think, "I should have listened to the person telling me to look out." Maybe you never listen to that person and now that you've almost been hit you'll start listening to not just them but some others you find trustworthy. Or if someone was telling you to run in the street you'll think "hey maybe I should stop listening to that person."

My point is that getting hit by a car is painful and it's not fun but it's okay if it happens. You learn a lesson, you see who was telling you to run and who was just trying to keep you safe. You see what you can handle and what you can't and in that moment your life starts flashing through your mind. You begin to see what you really want and that next time you'll look both ways or you'll make sure you have someone by your side that fits you perfectly. If you can avoid the car then that's great but if you don't maybe it's not always a bad thing. Maybe you need it.

There's Something Good in Everyday

Tonight I began thinking about life again after reading for one of my classes. I know that I'm not a perfect person. I have my flaws, I worry too much, laugh at bad timings, day dream way too much, and I make a fool out of myself. Usually I would think of everything wrong about myself and then get angry about it but tonight I saw it in a different way. Yes, I'm a human, I have flaws, but that's okay. Everyone has flaws if we didn't then we wouldn't be unique.

I also began to realize that we aren't the only ones with flaws. Every day comes with it's own set of flaws but that doesn't make it horrible. Take today for example. I had an awful morning, I lost my phone because it slipped out of my purse and was somewhere in my car, I got to class a little late because I couldn't find a parking spot, I tripped on a stick walking to class and stabbed the top of my foot, and I had some stupid worries on my mind. I walked into my first class just knowing today would be a bad day and I wasn't going to let anything change my mind about it.

Then my next class was great and so was the class after that. By the end of the day I was in a great mood and even though I still had some worries in the back of my mind I didn't let them bother me. I just enjoyed those moments of happiness. If my morning hadn't been horrible, I probably wouldn't have even noticed how nice the rest of the day was.

Then I realized that some days aren't going to go your way. Luck isn't always on your side and not every minute will be filled with unicorns and fluffy clouds, but that's okay. I have a quote of my wall that says, "Everyday might not be good, but there is something good in everyday." Your life can't be awful forever and bad luck won't follow you around until you die. Sure there are going to be flawed days full of bad incidents but that doesn't mean good ones are impossible. Some days will rain and throw thunder and lightning at you but there's always a rainbow afterwards. I want to remind myself that when I feel lost. Just to know that no matter how bad it gets, there's always that rainbow to look forward too.

I remember when I was younger I used to have Charlie Brown on DVD. One episode he had a horrible day and everyone seemed to hate him. He was just lying in bed being depressed not wanting to show his face again when his friend Linus came in and basically told him to buck up. Before he left he told Charlie, "the world didn't end did it?" Even though I watched this years ago that line has always stayed in my head. The world didn't end. It kept going and I hear him saying that every time I feel like my life hates me.

There's no such thing as a loser. In the end you'll win and the world won't end because you had one bad day.